#i think i might be doing the same thing as 2020 where june was kinda Burnout Recovery Month

[smallblueandloud]

also speaking of how great wip wednesday is. i have written 6.5k this month, 5k of which was fic, which is... officially already more than i wrote in the entire month of january

hot damn!!!

[causesciencethatswhy]

Was thinking how we get confirmation of some of the things years later. Like in today's ep jm said him, jk (confirmed) and either one of jin and yg (jm was a bit confused who but it could also be that yoonjin both left later like jikook) were the last ones to leave their dorm and remember how we used to think jikook "might" live together cause they used to share car alot during 2019-2021. Now idk exactly when they left their dorms but i do know the news of RM and jm buying house in nine one hit the media around june 1st 2021. Also that one BTS video where the boys were interviewing e/o and jk asked jm what was the most enjoyable thing these days and jm replied "The most enjoyable thing these days is waking up and seeing jungkook" idr but wasn't it around 2019-2020 when he said that? And jikook and yoonjin used to share car, jikook the most of times so i think yup jikook used to live in the shared apartment be it dorm or whatever that is. So we were basically right.

Intersting thing is even after RM and jm buying house we still saw jikook sharing cars now idk why that. Yes when minimoni brought their houses they shared car but it was like only few times but jikook still has shared cars few times here nd there so i wonder why is that maybe they love sharing cars or their houses are near or etc etc.

Maybe as the besties they're when it comes to car sharing they just simply put these two together knowing they have shared it before too. Remember how they shared car 4 days of concerts in LV? There's another thing who's confirmation we got way later but i don't remember that now but yeah.

Also the way tkkrs be like "but jungkook don't cook for jm he doesn't even have jm's number" both got denied in this ep....i know it's only them who believed their shit theories but they're sooo many in number and they spread it everywhere so it's like thousands of them i think like 99% of them belive that shit. "Jungkook doens't have jm's number why is it a problem it happens people don't have e/o's numbers why are you blaming tkkrs for it" i remember mfkr dionysustkk tweeting this. The way i wanna bitch slap that identity crisis human. Like bitch not only he has jm's number (sounds so fking silly to say even) he literally knows jm's House password and walks like he knows the place and even cook for the two of them so you can sit in a corner and cry me some river

Thank you for this mini timeline compilation anon!

I found it interesting that jimin knew for sure that jk was still with him at the dorms but couldn't confirm whether yoonjin were there too. Seems like a detail you'd recall I feel, unless you were spending a majority of your time with one person. And if we are to go by your timeline it does seem that even after moving out jikook seemed to have made a deliberate choice to take the same car on multiple occasions. I do think there was a period in mid 2021 and early 2023 where jkk were maybe not seeing each that frequently based on some of their conversations, but this docu has really made me re evaluate a lot of these assumptions.

Since 2020, we have gotten almost 1/3 the amount of behind the scenes ot7 content and that definitely had an impact on many peoples assumptions on the members relationships. It's why certain "groups" felt more confident in proclaiming that jikook were never close or only fanservice.

Tkkrs and their cult leaders will never stop in their attempts at undermining jikooks relationship with false narratives. It's something I didn't understand the need of when I first entered shipping spaces because if you believe tkk are real and in a healthy relationship, then why would assuming jikook are close friends, in any way would come in the way of that? Why did jimin need to be the villain in their theories so bad? It's only now that I kinda get that as a tkkr, they can't possibility perceive that tkk are in a 'genuine and healthy' relationship if they have to take jikook at face value. Cause the way those two interact and prioritise one another, does really throw tkkrs off gaurd. Which is why so much of their belief and foundation hinges on all of jkks interactions being fake and forced and jk secretly hating jm. Because the alternative cannot be that they're 'close friends" for them, once they start 'really seeing' jikook for the way they are around one another, it disturbs their perfect ideal.

Not saying that there's no possibility that jikook are in fact just close friends after all, but I think once you do see that underlying spark that makes one go "?" ,it's kind of hard to unsee it.

[send-up-my-heart-to-you]

in honor of world mental health day heres my story below the cut :)

kinda hard to talk abt this cause its somewhat triggering and ik theres gonna be ppl who think im just an emo 15 y/o, but i swear im not tryna be dramatic. im tryna make peace with my past, and also show others that despite everything, you can make it.

also, im tryna show that healing isnt all sunshine and daises. theres the good, the bad, and the ugly. you can and will survive it all

tw: sewerslide attempt, abusive parents, self harm, violence ig ?

ive died two times in my life so far.

the first time, it was my parents who killed me. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am. i remember dragging across the hallway in my house, a throbbing sensation in my thigh, the mark already turning purple. i walked past my younger sisters' room, where my cousin was sleeping over with them, and i remember climbing into bed, hugging my pillow, crying against the pillow. that night, it was my innocence that died. my childhood happiness, per se. i remember swearing to myself in those final moments before darkness that id never forget that day. december 31st, 2020, ~1.15am.

the time between my two deaths was filled with barely anything other than self loathing. i remember trying to set goals for myself, reasons to live. i tried out new hobbies. i was never able to meet those goals, and all the hobbies bored me.

i met some of the best people ever during that time. i also met some of the worst. i might sound dramatic, cause im young and impressionable, but the people i met during that time genuinely shaped who i am. i dont wanna act like im an old soul or anything, cause im sure that in a few years imma look back and think, "shit, i was really immature." but i matured faster than others my age. i found myself faster, found things i liked, found love, found out i hated being in love.

and then i died again.

this was a recent death. june 22, 2023. my mental health had been deteriorating for months prior – i still have scars on my arms.

it was a slower death compared to the last one. i started dying at around 4.00pm. it went on for an hour before the pain became unbearable and i confessed to my parents. i didnt want to go to the hospital, i was scared of what theyd do. i threw up seven times before giving in at about 8.00pm. they took me to the hospital. i was told told me i was lucky to be alive, that my liver was still functional. i didnt feel lucky. i felt like death wouldve been less painful. my head was spinning

i died in that hospital bed, at ~9.40pm, with my eyes wide open, my mom sitting near me. my thoughts at the time were along the lines of this:

im quite literally a child in the eyes of the world. ive done nothing. i have a psychology exam tomorrow. i have a book im halfway done writing, and a new story thats been brewing in my head for months. but if i die now, ill never get to finish any of that. ill never succeed. ill never be able to spit in the faces of the girls who bullied me, of the teachers who doubted me. why would i do this to myself? why would i rob myself of that chance?

so i died. but not the same way as last time. this time, it was the poisonous me that died, the me that whispered in my ear that my life would amount to nothing, that everyone else had it better, that you either succeed or you dont.

and when i died the second time, something happened that didnt happen the first time.

i was reborn.

at the time of me writing this, its been less than four months since my rebirth. in those four months:

i decided to change the world somehow. not necessarily by finding the cure to cancer or anything, id be satisfied if it was just a cute lil video i made going viral. as long as theres someone out there who i changed

i finished about six chapters of my book

i began writing the story that had been brewing in my head

i started lifting weights to make myself feel better abt how i looked

i got closer to god. stopped missing prayer

i moved schools, leaving behind both bullies and friends

i started focusing on my studies

i tried to fix my relationships with my parents and my siblings

dont get me wrong. none of these are completed. im still an extreme case of nobody-ness. i havent finished writing either of my stories. i still skip out on working out a lot i still only do the bare minimum in terms of religion. im still struggling to catch up in school to make up for my three years of burnout. my relationship with my family is still kinda weird

and i still feel like im dying sometimes. its not like i changed overnight and all those suicidal thoughts and feelings of drowning just disappeared when the sunrays came up. theres still a lot of issues in my life.

but i have faith in myself. in my ability to change the things that can be changed. in creating happiness where theres room for it to be made.

and if finding happiness a losing battle?

well, ill fight like its the fucking boudican revolt.

[phynali]

so not to ruminate on things that vex me, but the past 2 or so months have been kinda shit, and i’m trucking along and there absolutely are high points and good things and joys that balance some of this out, but i need to vent out some of the negative emotions somewhere to get ‘em out. so i guess i’m doing that here because - 

we’re in lockdown#6 where i live (state of victoria) and it’s hard, this yo-yo of restrictions and swinging in and out of one lockdown after another. 

for those who understandably won’t know, what we call lockdown here means not just restaurant and commercial closures and mandatory working from home unless you’re in an industry where that’s impossible -- it also means no guests (0) inside you’re home unless you’re both living alone and single or else romantic partners, it means not leaving your home at all except for one of 4-5 necessary reasons, not being outside for more than 2hrs per day even to exercise, and not going more than 5km from your home unless required for work/medical/etc required reasons.

it’s intense. we spent (i think) 128 days in this degree of lockdown in 2020, never mind how many we spent in other forms of restrictions and working from home. and we’ve been back in it four (4) times in 2021 already. in-out-in-out-in-out - 

it’s taking a toll on the mental health of every person i know. we get weekly emails with wellbeing and resilience tips from my job -- not just “be productive or else” capitalism but heartfelt ones from wellbeing officers with copies of articles like this one on languishing from the NYT, acknowledging we’re all struggling and directing us to the plethora of wellbeing resources our workplace is trying to provide, not only to us but reminding us they offer it to our families too.

i’m one of the lucky ones. i’m really not trying to wallow here or to pretend otherwise. i appreciate that i can work from home, even though i can’t focus when i do and it this interacts with my adhd to fuck my productivity. even if i’m so behind and delayed it feels like i’ve lost 12-18 months worth of work and it will have long-term ramifications on my career -- even so, i still i have a job. i still get paid. and i even kept my job, a bit by the skin of my teeth but i did, when my sector downsized last year. yes, the way my employer went about lay offs left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth (my own included), but i made it through. 

and my sector, while affected, is by no means the worst of the collateral damage.

the yo-yo of lockdowns is taking a very very real toll on industries like hospitality, tourism, commerce. and the economy does have indirect effects on health and mental health as well. my friend, a waitress, was on her way to work the evening shift at a restaurant when she got the call about the latest lockdown. she had to turn around and go home because the announcement came just hours before the lockdown was imposed, and every place suddenly had to close by 8pm. bye bye evening shift. so much of the government support for these industries has dried up, has been inadequate. 

lockdowns save lives. i don’t begrudge my state for imposing one except that yes -- i’m resentful we’re here again with only six cases. i can be both accepting and grateful and also pissed and tired and more all at once. 

even more than the latest lockdown, i’m pissed about the yo-yo. that we went into lockdown in june, came out in july, went back in in july, came back out in july, are going back in now, in the first week of august. three lockdown/re-openings in 10 weeks, as if this rollercoaster doesn’t completely incapacitate our ability to plan or prepare for anything more than a week out, more than a day out -- in this case, more than a few hours out. 4pm the lockdown was announced, with an 8pm start time. as if that doesn’t have more insidious consequences on individuals and industries than a more clearly articulated and consistent approach. as if all the restaurants that got to open up this week didn’t purchase large food orders for this weekend that will spoil because they were given 4 hours notice to close their doors.

that’s the part i hate, right now more than the lockdowns themselves. consumer sentiment was at a high in april, optimism was everywhere. people felt good, and like we had a plan forward. now -- well, now my job is sending me emails about how normal and okay it is that i might be ‘languishing’ because aren’t we all?

and i absolutely do begrudge my federal government, and i’m angry with them, and this is part of why:

but i also accept, to some extent, that these decisions have all been made in difficult circumstances, and i’m not really about to pretend i could do any better. 

at the same time, australia’s vaccine rollout is among the slowest and lowest at least within OECD countries. i know that’s partly because we’ve managed the keep cases low and therefore we are prioritized less when it comes to who needs the vaccines most (and thus who is earlier in line to be able to purchase) among other geo-political reasons i won’t get into, but it still very much sucks. our timeline and ability to move forward and ability to stop having lockdowns requires a mostly-vaccinated population, and that’s not something we’ll have anytime soon.

and i am a visa-holder here and my family is back in canada and with our current border restrictions leaving to visit is honestly is not an option because i wouldn’t be able to return, to work. i’m managing that distance okay most of the time despite my homesickness and frustration but my partner’s parents are older and his mother’s health just isn’t amazing and it’s weighing on him a lot. 

a phd student i work with just had a parent die in another country while stuck here, had to drop everything to return, is devastated by not being by their parent’s side when it happened because it came on sudden, and now won’t be able to come back into australia after, will have to finish their thesis remotely from abroad. stories like that are becoming commonplace in certain circles, here. this student is not the first or only person i know who has been in that exact situation in the past year.

it’s enraging, and upsetting, and instills a sense of helplessness because -- there’s nothing that can really be done about it. there’s no good answer, but it’s scary to think of what could happen. i know it scares my husband. if his mother’s health suddenly dips -- does he drop everything and leave? how can he not? would i go with him or hold the fort here? what ramifications does that have either way?

right now, we’re in the first stages of getting permanent residency, my job is putting in the nomination, and this is one of those awesome high-points i mentioned. it’s a very much needed sense of security in my career and my future in this country. but while a PR application is pending and under review, you can’t leave the country, even in pre-covid times. it takes months to get the application fully nominated, accepted, then submitted, and months on months to process.

in january 2020 we had agreed that for xmas 2020 we’d return home to canada. obviously the world changed and we quickly determined that wouldn’t be the case. we pushed that plan back to july-aug 2021, then to october 2021, xmas 2021. my partner’s sister asked him last week if we started making plans, booking things for xmas, was calling to check that we’d had our second jabs. he had to explain the situation to her, that we aren’t even eligible for our first vaccine yet, that we aren’t holding out any real hope of visiting, not this year, not until mid-next.

anyway - i’m just. languishing, i guess, if that’s the word for it after all. i know it’s not the same as depression -- i’ve had episodes of that, been treated for it in different ways. this is and feels different, even if there are obvious similarities. whatever to call it, it sucks, and i hate it. and i hate the other lows and anxieties and crap i’ve been dealing with in the past few months as well that didn’t make it into this post about covid. crap with work, with friends, with goddamn car rentals of all stupid things. crap that’s making me anxious and crap that just needs processing. crap that is, ultimately, massively exacerbated because lockdowns turn us into little rats gnawing on the bars of our cages.

and i guess i just needed to talk about it somewhere, to organize my thoughts and free up some headspace (emotion space?) currently being used to hold these thoughts and feelings in place. i kind of hate posting personal crap like this and always get the urge to delete but i also have a hard time organising my thoughts if i don’t write them out with this intent to post. sort of want to go outside and scream at god, sort of want to phone up a friend and yell at him for an hour for being an exhausting ass, sort of want to be alone for a day to curl up under a blanket with a movie that’ll make me cry because raging at the universe is always so much easier when i’m alone and unobserved. but i guess since those aren’t especially kind or feasible i’ll post this instead.

anyway - if you read to the end of this for any reason, i’m not trying to be maudlin, and there’s really no need to respond. it’s just a feelings dump, sucking some of the poison out, not really much different than journalling but i’ve always been better at that online than on paper. 

[zhansww]

Hey, I'm new to this side of the fandom. I was a MDZS fan but I fell in love with CQL and Xiao Zhan. I try to avoid rl cp's because of experiences with fandom. However, it's impossible to ignore WY's crush on XZ. I thought of the relationship as brotherly rivals/one-sided crush from yibo. Until I saw them on stage at the tencent awards, and with the release of all these bts vids it doesn't seem like a crush it seems very much mutual and acted on. SO here I am on tumblr checking things out

In the last 48 hours I have been all over yizhan tumblr and I really love your blog because you have a very rational pov. If you don't mind me asking how did you get into this cp? what makes you think they are still together after the ao3 incident? Do you have a preference for XZ or WY and does that make it hard being a CP fan? Is there a master list you can send me to? Sorry for asking so many questions, if any of them offend please don't anwer. Thank you in advanced.

Hello there and welcome to this side of the fandom~ 😄

Thank you so much for liking my blog. It’s always really humbling for me to read such praise //// About me, trying to think rationally when it comes to YiZhan; that is something that is very important imo. These are real people that I am making such a bold statement of, after all. It would be a disservice to them and to myself if I didn’t at least try to judge what they have in an unbiased, reasonable way. On that note, I know that a lot of cp fans fell in love with YiZhan so they just believed in them first and looked for evidence second. For me, it was quite different. I became their fan in late summer 2019. It didn’t take me long to come across cp fans who actually believed that XZ and WYB are a couple irl but I just rolled my eyes at that and dismissed most of their so-called evidence. Me, I wasn’t even sure if they were genuine friends at that point. The first thing I found out about that gave me a clue was the theory that XZ gave Yibo the ox-head necklace he was wearing back then (from June 2019 until August 2020). The lip reading is what made me believe it and I thought “oh so they are friends in real life, too. how cute”. But this was around the same time that Yibo started hiding the necklace which is something that gave me pause but that I explained with “he must be annoyed with cp fans, assuming it’s a romantic gift”. It basically kept going like this for months. I found excuses for anything that confused me at first, I really didn’t want to budge from my belief that ggdd are good friends. The more I found out about them individually and about certain theories that actually made sense, the more that belief crumbled. Until weibo night 2020 which was when I had to concede that assuming YiZhan are friends just doesn’t make sense. I still remember how oddly defeated I felt. I think it’s such a bittersweet thing. They found love but they are unable to share it, to love freely. I feel for them. And I am rooting for them so badly. That was when I started to believe. I wasn’t certain until May 2020. On the 20th, a flight to Shanghai showed on gg’s schedule and dd was set to fly there on that day, too. Other than dd’s arrival at the airport that morning, no one saw either of them that day at any of the places where fans waited, hoping to see them. There were photos of them on the 21st in Shanghai but not the 20th. And then of course, there was dd’s own confirmation that he spent that day with XZ in his weibo story. To be clear, I don’t think that any one thing about YiZhan is or should be enough to make one certain they’re a couple. For me, that particular incident was the final straw, so to say. It’s what made me completely sure about their relationship. I haven’t had any doubt since. I guess this also kinda answers your second question about what makes me think they’re still together after what happened last February. There are other hints that they (and mainly Yibo) dropped last year that let us know they are still very much in love. I elaborated a bit on that here, you can also check the posts I have in this tag for actual examples.

I don’t have a preference. It’s still so funny to me when bxg say they have a bias between XZ and WYB. I genuinely can’t relate. Ehm, I could imagine XZ-biased cp fans to have it harder, though, cuz bj/yx fans are sort of representing this cp’s fandom as a whole and generally speaking, the bj/yx fandom doesn’t seem to be able to separate wang/xian from bj/yx which leads to them, willfully misinterpreting gg’s character and ggdd’s dynamic just to fit their misguided idea of what a queer relationship between two men should look like irl. You may not know what exactly I’m referring to cuz you’re new but I don’t doubt that you’ll see soon enough :/ Personally, I prefer zsww and lsfy fans. With bj/yx fans, I barely ever know what I’m getting beforehand.

I assume you’re referring to a master list of all of XZ and WYB’s content over the last years or so? I think this site might be good but it’s all in Chinese so I don’t know for sure. Hmmm.... this thread might be a start. Also, these yt accounts: BXCnSub, Prime110W and wenwen1111. I'd recommend viki and Youtube for watching their shows. Sorry I can’t be more helpful. I remember coming across an actual master list a few months ago but I didn’t save it. If I should find it again, I’ll link it. Sorry. >.<

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

just some thoughts without pretending to be the truth. i have a feeling like inn 2017-18 there was some weird (but not bad) tension between vmin. like jm was getting to know himself and tae was.. observing? idk. the way they glared at e/o and touched was sometimes too intimate and jm went totally shy. but know smth kinda changed and i wonder what is it now? bois are getting older? and some moments in LGO tae doesn't look at jm i guess. like it's him shy now. AMA live is where he looks past him

Okay before I get into it I’d like to ask three questions, not necessarily directed at the person who sent in this ask but rather more into a general discussion round:

what is the sort of behavioral pattern that a ship needs to fulfill in order for people to think “oh, they might be into each other” and “oh, I think X ship is in love”, that sort of thing? Is it loud, almost over the top behavior taken straight out of the older generation Idol handbook? Is it constant physical contact, constant affection through double-meaning dialogues?

if vmin were to exhibit such behavior, show us lots and lots of affectionate interactions on camera in nearly every piece of content we have, tell each other every chance they get that they love each other when the cameras are rolling, would that make them seem more real, or would that cheapen the ship and only lead people to say “vmin is fan service and there’s no chance they are actually real”?

if we agree on the hypothesis that vmin might by now be in a relationship of a few years, and they are both 25 years old, so grown men at the height of their careers, do you really think they would feel the need to showcase their relationship and legitimate romantic feelings to each other in front of the camera? Would they really want to allow millions of people (some with good attitudes and respect, many though without respect and only hate on their tongues) into their relationship?

These are the sort of things I think about and I’m always curious to know what others think and how things would be like if vmin were to behave like certain others, if those who doubt them would stop, or only see it as more of a reason to doubt.

In any case, to a certain extent I agree with the person who sent in this question, that yes vmin’s on camera behavior has changed, that while in 2017/18 it was more Jimin who was shy, it’s now Tae who appears shy more often. But, I don’t see that as bad or negative or sign of things not going well. At all. Since last year I feel like Tae’s attitude toward being an idol and everything that entails has changed a bit, as did his mentality especially after he went through burn out and generally had a hard time in the first few months of 2020. But that I think had nothing to do with Jimin. I think their relationship, however you’d define it, was fine for most of it, and I think after so many years of knowing each other (it’ll be nine this year) and being close friends and perhaps more, they know each other, inside and out, and know how to act in certain situations and depending on how the other is feeling.

But while there have certainly been instances in 2020 where Tae appeared shy when interacting with Jimin, there have also been moments where he didn’t. Take for instance their interview where they spoke about all their albums. Once they got to Wings and BS&T, Tae spoke about how he remembers Jimin’s charisma and how tempting he came across in it. Or the interview filmed in that little corner at a diner or something where Jimin was supposed to say which moment in Dynamite is his favorite where Tae touched his shoulder and Jimin basically completely blanked for a moment before smiling, giggling, and saying that his favorite part was Tae’s. Or that one interview where they sat next to each other talking about Dynamite and then all of a sudden they were holding hands for almost the rest of the interview. Or Tae cupping Jimin’s hand during a photoshoot which we saw in the behind the scenes glimpses from when they were filming the Baskin’ Robbins ads.

More below the cut since this kind of turned out a little longer than anticipated, I hope you don’t mind, anon:

I think a big deciding factor in how vmin behave with each other and how they come across on camera is where they are, as well as most certainly how they are feeling on that day. Tae said himself that on days where he’s feeling good, going to work and doing what they do is fun and he has no problem with it, yet when he’s not feeling well, it’s hard and he has to push himself more to do things. Besides, there is definitely a distinction between how vmin behave when they know a camera is watching, and when there isn’t one. It even shows in something as silly as, remember MOTS ON:E day 2 at the end of Hobi’s performance of EGO when the members join him? Vmin are dancing with each other, standing facing each other with Jimin doing some kind of almost like “I’m performing magic on you” hand gesture toward Tae BUT the second he realizes the cameras are on him, Jimin straightens up and pretends like that didn’t just happen and no one saw anything. Or their side hug on day 1 and silly dance during day 2 during Dionysus, that, too, was something not visible on the main cam, just a side one which they knew would not be available during the replay, so less people would see it. Or even that famous moment of them holding hands on the airport on Tae’s birthday in 2019 on the way to NYC after going up the stairs. They thought no one could see, so they held hands like it’s the most natural and normal thing for them to do because that’s just how they are.

On the other hand, a performance where I agree with the anon that sent the question is that during BangBangCon in June when they performed Friends. Admin 2 already back then told me how you could see how both of them, but especially Tae, were shy during that performance. Jimin in his March vlive talking about Friends said that Friends is a meaningful song for him and that it will be an emotional moment in and of itself if they one day get to perform it together on stage, and you could truly see that. They both seemed somewhat nervous, shy, and a little unsure in some of their movements, but it also showed a glimpse at their dynamic, how it was Jimin who hugged Tae from the back, who opened his hand to lace their fingers together and hold it, almost like that dynamic of “I’m large but he’s in charge”, you know? Why is that? Because not only must it have been meaningful to them to perform together in such a way, but also Friends is a deeply personal song to them, probably more than any of us truly understand. (song analysis by Admin 1) But, at the same time, Tae has no issue with being brave online, as in to go on Wevserse and proclaim that 95z is love, or like today, go and post seven pictures out of which three were of Jimin (4 if you also take into account the one with the mirrors) or to make Jimin’s birthday the password while playing games with ARMY. Perhaps the difference is that on Weverse, Tae is in total control of the situation, it’s a place where no editor will cut the scene or edit it, but whatever he’ll say and post, that will be exactly how it is. Of course people can misconstrue his words, but that’s something no one has any control over ever, and thus not the point.

The way I see it, sometimes they allow themselves to be silly together, to show each other affection and do more cute things, like Tae going to Jimin’s room in ITS and rolling over him, giggling and just being silly and then sitting next to him and caressing Jimin’s back since he was sick. Or Jimin waking up and limping outside to see where Tae is and ask if he’s all right that morning. But in the grand scheme of things BTS have so little privacy, so few things that are truly just theirs and not something they share with us, so they guard the small things precious to them from prying eyes and treasure it. And that’s the case for their relationship, regardless of how you want to see it, as well. It’s theirs, not ours. We’re just privileged enough to catch glimpses of it sometimes.

Like remember on the day they had their interview at KBS in the summer due to their BBH100 #1 where the TV station even showed their arrival? Remember how Tae and Jimin first shared their hand sanitizer, since Jimin used too much of it, and later on when they walked next to each other, first they looked at each other, like a silent question passing between them of “are we doing this?” and concluded that yes. Which was followed by them holding hands and Jimin even raising their hands together toward the camera with an almost a little challenging looking in his eyes, like he wanted to show that they belong together in such a public manner. Tae looked a little shy in that moment as well, but he agreed to do it anyway, so his shyness doesn’t necessarily have to be connected to Jimin, per se, but more the situation they are in and who’s watching them.

Also, a final thing that always fascinates me is how, when other members don’t show their affection in every piece of content we get, no one questions their love for each other, no one questions if X is real even if those two don’t interact all too much for a while, people still think they’re close and whatnot, as example. And yet when vmin don’t interact in every interview and every other piece of content we get, immediately the questions begin if they are still close, if they are still together, if they’ve had a fight or if they broke up. And if they do show affection, it’s immediately equated to “it’s just bros being bros”.

Ask yourself: is an interview about their new song or album really the right place for “ship” moments? Is every performance the right place for it? And what if on that particular day one or the other or both simply weren’t feeling well? Or what if they simply hugged or whatnot before the performance and thus felt no need for a repeat on stage? They are professionals, they are musicians, and if we do get absolutely adorable moments like Tae taking a piece of confetti out of Jimin’s hair during their duet moment in LGO, that’s a precious gift, and not something we should demand/expect seeing every time. Would those moments still feel as special as they do now if we got the every time?

[nctinfo]

[TRANS] Chenle & Jisung’s interview with ELLE June 2020 issue!

It's the first time for Chenle and Jisung to do a magazine shoot together. Both of you seemed to have given your fans spoilers ahead of the shoot. Jisung: Really, the time went by so fast. Rather than a shoot, it felt more like I was just playing around with Chenle. Chenle: <ELLE> is a magazine known by many people. I've known it since long-ago too. So I was even more excited about the shoot. Jisung: Me too! Ah, but how old is <ELLE>? 28th anniversary this year? Wow...

We are much older than you two, aren't we? Is this year your 5th summer together? Jisung: We've known each other since 2016, so yes, that's right. Chenle: We should stop seeing each other (laughs).

Although you get along as friends [same-aged friends], Chenle is in fact born in November 2001. He is one year older than Jisung who was born in February 2002. What was the reason to become friends [to drop formalities]? Chenle: Our birthdays are only two and a half months apart, and since we get along so well, I felt like there was no need for formalities [a hyung/dongsaeng relationship]. Of course, I regret having made that decision now. I mean it. (laughs). Jisung: I jokingly said, "Can't we just be friends?" but he took it seriously. Thanks to this, we can now comfortably talk with each other like this. Chenle: It's definitely more comfortable. In Shanghai, where I grew up, we don't mind much if there's a one or two year difference. And since the NCT team has a lot of members from overseas, the atmosphere is a bit more open. 

Still, it must have felt weird to see your friend Chenle become a legal adult a year earlier than you. Jisung: I've seen the older members of NCT DREAM become adults one after another so I felt relatively indifferent. It's not like people suddenly change when they turn 20 years old. But, since we all debuted as teenagers, it is kinda weird that I'm the only minor left now.

How did the YouTube content 'ChenJi's This and That', that you two do together, start? Jisung calls it 'JiChen's That and This'. Jisung: Thank you for acknowledging it (laughs). It started from the thought that it would be great to make content that uses the advantage of us two who are like real friends. We make gifts for the members, stack dominoes, and also make menus that are popular on SNS Chenle: Although we also bring up ideas here and there, the staff ideas are always more fun. Ah, it was our idea to visit my home in Shanghai.

Chenle went to a lot of rides alone at the amusement park right. Chenle: He says he is too scared to go on rides that are hard, but thinks rides that are easy are lame. Isn't it really funny? Jisung: The easy ones don't look cool (laughs).

You just finished the promotions of your 4th mini album <Reload>. You have achieved many good results such as ranking first in the domestic music chart and music shows, ranking first on iTunes in 51 countries, and selling over 500k albums. How do you feel looking back? Jisung: I always have regrets whenever we finish promotions. Even though I have worked hard and had fun, when I look back, I feel like I could do better? Chenle: I'm completely the opposite. When the album promotions finish, I think 'It was really fun this time again, I'm satisfied!' I think especially for 'Ridin'' the stage was very exciting, and it was even better because I had fun with the members.

'Beyond Live', a live-streamed concert and video call fan signings are promotions that were not imaginable last year. Jisung: I'm glad that we can do something, but it's a shame we can't meet the fans in person. Chenle: It was a new and very exciting experience. Although it was through a video, you could clearly hear the voices and see the faces of the fans like this.

You also performed solo stages on ‘Beyond Live’ Chenle: I prepared our song 'Best Friend' on the piano, but the staff made the stage really cool. On the stage the moon was floating over the sea, it was very pretty and I'm really grateful and satisfied Jisung: I danced but I don't think it was to the extent of 'Awesome~ I did a great job!'.

With you two being the youngest out of NCT’s teenage team NCT DREAM, your growth is bound to be the most impactful. You must be surprised when you watch videos of when you just debuted. Chenle: Actually, as soon as we met today, Jisung had watched an old video of mine and said 'You were so cute back then but why are you like this now?'. Jisung: It was videos of him during promotion interviews for our debut song 'Chewing Gum' and 'My First and Last', and he was so cute. It was also when Chenle hadn't been in Korea for that long yet so he was still bad at speaking. Chenle: I couldn't watch the videos at that time. Still, when I look at the other members, I think everyone was so young and cute.

I heard that Jisung played a significant role in the fast improvement of Chenle's Korean. Jisung: Yes I was Chenle: I admit he helped. Although it's a problem that my weird Korean skills are also improving (laughs).

You have done TV shows and stood on stages before debuting at 15 and 16 years old. When did you feel like this is something you're good at and wanted to do something music-related? Chenle: I love to sing, so I released my first album when I was 7 years old. However, at that time, I thought it was a hobby and an experience rather than thinking of wanting to be a singer. After coming to Korea, I knew for certain that this was the path I wanted to take. Jisung: Rather than realizing it at some point, I think the expression 'right now' is right. While watching sunbaes at SM, my desire to be like that grew and I've come here doing what I wanted to do.

For broadcasts or special stages, Jisung has danced with the hyungs of SM's 'Dance Line' such as Super Junior Eunhyuck, SHINee Taemin, and EXO Kai. Jisung: They are really good at dancing and have a lot of experience on stage so it's really helpful when they watch me dance and talk to me [about it]. It felt like I was taking years of dance lessons all at once. Chenle: For me, I learn quickly thanks to Jisung. These days, Jisung is working hard on learning how to sing so I try to help a little too. I would say things like "I think this would be better?'. Jisung: Don't you tease me when I sing though. Chenle: Me? No, not me.

What song would you like to perform if you were to do an NCT stage together? Chenle: Since there are two of us, how about NCT U's 'Baby Don't Stop'? that Taeyong and Ten hyung did together. Jisung: Uhm, that's kind of a sexy song, don't you think we should do that in a few years? For me, I would like to do NCT U's 'Without You'. I think it's a good song to sing for us together.

NCT DREAM members have often said they still lack the skills and think they can do better. Where does that ambition come from? Chenle: There are times when I feel like I'm not good enough when I watch a video clip [of myself]. Other people might not see a big difference, but I do. In that case, I really concentrate and work hard. Jisung: I think everyone has that kind of desire because we debuted at a young age. When I watch the stage of the sunbaes, I feel like that even more.

How does it feel to be the youngest in a big group called NCT? Chenle: It's so good! Originally, I'm the type to prefer when it’s crowded. It's also fun to chat and play together when we practice. Jisung: I don't have a lot of friends from school. [NCT] is like a replacement for those relationships so I feel reassured. It feels like I have a bunch of people or hyungs who are close to me. Though the dinner costs are enormous (laughs).

What's the reason that two people with different personalities can be good friends and teammates? Jisung: Oh, now that I think about it it's really interesting. We're really the opposite Chenle: I think we get along so well because we are so different. The thing we have in common the most is that we like to play around with each other? And we're the noisiest. My voice is loud and Jisung talks a lot. A while ago he was talking to himself in the car while watching the night view. It's really funny to see it from the side Jisung: If you say it like that it makes me seem kinda weird, doesn't it? (laughs) I love to fantasize. What would I say if I were to go on a program like that? I think I was playing around while thinking about those kinds of things.

Are there any aspects of your friend that you want to be more known? Jisung: There are a lot of people who think of Chenle as a bright mischievous boy with a lot of laughter, but he also has a lot of serious conversations with me. He also has a lot of ambition. Unlike the introverted me, he is cool and outgoing so I learn a lot of things through Chenle. He is much cooler than he looks. Chenle: I'm a chic person (laughs). Jisung is the type of person who worries a lot about himself, and he is also evenly worried about the members' concerns. After taking care of this and that he proudly says 'Ah, why do I look like a leader'.

There are many adults and role models around you. Since you achieved your dream of debuting early, you must be worried about growing up well. Chenle: Instead of following someone with the burden of having to grow, I want to grow up naturally while keeping what I want to protect. I can learn good things and keep regretful things to consult, but I think my own standards are important. Jisung: When I first made my debut, I wanted to be a good adult and a good influence, and I still feel the same now. Sometimes I feel sorry for someone's behavior or words, but I don’t think that anyone can be perfect. Regardless, I try to absorb the good and positive aspects only.

When do you feel like you've grown? Jisung: When I have serious conversations with Chenle and the hyungs. The spectrum of the conversations has widened. I also think I have grown when I'm able to objectively look at myself without being too biased. Chenle: When you're going through puberty, you don't know that you're going through puberty. If you think you're grown up, I think it's because you're still young. I think you've grown up when you can admit to your shortcomings and immaturity.

How will the summer be for you this time? Chenle: First of all, Jisung will have 6 ice creams all at once. Jisung: (Back then) I had them throughout the day!

Translation: Esmee @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: ELLE Scans — Do not repost or take out without our permission!

[komkommertijd]

F1 2020 Grid as German rap songs

Since the 2020 season has come to an end, I thought it might be a good idea to finally share this thing that I’ve been working on since June. I have no idea as to why or how I had this idea, but I’m sure I’m not the first one to do this, anyway. I’m sorry to all my fellow Germans in advance <3

Disclaimer: I translated all of the lyrics myself so some things might not be completely accurate, for which I can only apologize. I do not agree with the way some rappers portray women, so I made sure to steer clear from those lyrics.

(post under the cut because it got kinda very long whoops)

Lewis - Vintage (RIN)

Oh Lord, wo soll das Ganze enden? Fahr' so schnell, ich wechsel' jede Woche Bremsen

[Oh Lord, where is this supposed to end? Driving so fast, I’m changing brakes every week]

It’s a song about being a champion, living a luxury life, nice clothes, and well...driving fast cars. Any more questions? Rin is one of my favorite German rap artists, so I just had to include his songs, and this one makes you feel like a real badass, just like our king Lewis 😌

Valtteri - In meinem Benz (AK Ausserkontrolle, Bonez MC)

Du siehst mich im Benz sitzen, so wie Lewis Hamilton

[You see me sitting in a Benz, just like Lewis Hamilton]

It’s kind of obvious why I chose that song, right? Other than that specific line there are some more parts about how much the rapper apparently loves his Mercedes and this song just screamed Valtteri to me.

Charles - NENENE (Fero47)

Sitze bald in roten Ferrari Geben Gas in der Hood Ruf' ich danach, "C'est la vie!"

[I’ll soon sit in a red Ferrari Rev up in my hood Shouting “C’est la vie!” afterward]

Ignoring the entire part about Monte Carlo and all the French words, this specific part just always reminds me of Charles when I listen to the song. More badass vibes but less seriously so because I can’t take Fero’s voice that serious at all, which fits Charles.

Sebastian - Ferrari (Eno, MERO)

Roter Ferrari Ich gebe Gas in einem Ferrari Roter Ferrari Yeah, ich sitze tief in einem Ferrari

[Red Ferrari I rev up in a red Ferrari Red Ferrari Yeah, I’m sitting deep inside a Ferrari]

There’s a part about “rolling with [a] bro in a white Mercedes” and my brain said Sewis rights. Other than that, this is once again a rather obvious choice, if not all that up to date anymore. Some lines about racing on the German highway, so of course I had to go for Sebastian with this one.

Max - Fame (Apache207)

Die Rapszene ist nur ein Affenzirkus In dem kleine Kinder gern mit Waffen hantieren Ich steh', wo ich steh', weil ich bin, wer ich bin Und nicht weil hier irgendjemand Apache platziert

[The rap scene is a madhouse Where little kids like to make use of guns I stand where I stand because I am who I am And not because someone places Apache]

This simply gives me Max vibes, I don’t have much more to say as an explanation. It just feels right, with criticism towards mentally “weaker” individuals and the confidence in making a name for oneself based on own achievements and hard work. Also, Apache has become a rather popular musician in the past year(s) (especially to obnoxious 5th graders, all tea no shade), which is just...Max, I won’t elaborate.

Alex - HONDA (Ansu)

Hold on, kommt was Schnell – Konter Dreamer, besonders – Willy Wonka Auto – Honda

[Hold on, there’s something coming Fast - Counterattack Dreamer, special - Willy Wonka Car - Honda]

I mean, it’s a song about a Honda driver? I struggled quite a bit with finding a song for Alex, but when I first listened to this song, my mind threw his name at me in blinking neon letters, so this is the vibe we’re going with - a funky fast Honda driver <3 (PS: I have no clue what the Willy Wonka thing is about but....why not)

Carlos - Habibi (Casar)

Sie schreibt: "Habibi", denn sie vermisst mich Ich fahre weit davon mit mein'n Hermanos

[She texts me “Habibi” because she misses me I drive far away with my hermanos]

I can only listen to the word “hermanos” so many times without my mind associating it with Carlos, so this one was a rather obvious choice for me as well. Also, there are some parts about Spain in this song so I had to be lame and do the obvious with this one.

Lando - 500 PS (Bonez MC, RAF Camora)

Ich drück' aufs Gas, hör' die 500 PS Fahren durch die Stadt, GTA Los Angeles

[I step on the gas, hear the 500 HP Cruising through the city, GTA Los Angeles]

This one’s a solid mainstream German rap song (not that I’d call Lando a mainstream person), liked to some extent by most people, and it gets you moving, which reminds me a lot of Lando. Cars and mentions of a video game make for a hit and Lando unites just that in person as well.

Daniel - Emotions 2.0 (Ufo361, Céline)

Baby, nimm einen Schluck Dom P. für die Emotions Ich erhöhe deine Dosis So viel Schmuck Mehr Drip als ein Ocean

[Baby take a sip Dom P for the emotions I’m increasing your dosage So much jewelry More drip than an ocean]

A bittersweet love song with rich boy summer vibes and one of my favorite German songs to be released this year, in fact, it’s my most listened to song on my phone, make for a combination that just screams Daniel to me. This song hits different when driving into the sunset in a fancy car or when biking through town at 1:30 am on three cans of Red Bull (believe me, I tried), and always reminds me of better times. It’s the ideal song to sing and rap along to, so that matches Daniel just fine.

Esteban - Einsneunzig (Brown-Eyes White Boy)

Bin fast einsneunzig, stell' mich auf die Bündel, das' ein Weltrekord Lass' die Zeit Revue passier'n, selbe Jungs und selber Ort

[I’m almost 1.90, stand on a wad of cash, that’s a world record Let’s recall the past, same guys and same place]

1.90 meters as a reference to Esteban’s height, obviously, simply made sense to me, once again. The second line reminds me of his feud with Pierre, so I had to choose this song. It’s better than Ratten im Hof (rats in the yard), and this reminds me of a wannabe gangster, which just screams Esteban to me, I’m sorry <3

Pierre - DAS RENNEN (RIN)

Ich hoff', eines Tages, wir gewinn'n das Rennen Wie bei Red Dead Redemption Irgendwann der Letzte wie Shanks Spinner Rims glänzen

[I hope one day we win the race Just like in Red Dead Redemption One day the last like Shanks Spinner rims are shining]

I know no one will believe this story but I started working on this post like half a year ago and I chose that song for Pierre back then and uhm, manifestation worked, I guess? Once again, I’m a big fan of Rin’s music, so choosing this song for Pierre is a bit like selfcare. The lyrics mention changing the world and well, so far Pierre has as least changed my world 😌

Daniil - One Night Stand (Capital Bra)

Ty moja ljubimaja Takaja diwnaja, krasiwaja-ja Sprawjedliwaja, njepobjedimaja Ty moja-ja, Baby, ty moja-ja

[You are my darling Such a wondeful, beauty Fair, invincible You’re mine baby, you’re mine]

I really hope I got that translation more or less right but other than that, I didn’t simply choose that song based on the Russian part. It’s a song we used to listen to a lot a few years ago and one of those from the days where Capital Bra was famous but less so than he is today. It reminds me of simpler times and it’s a pretty vibey song that, if you allow it to, draws you in and makes you dance. I have a soft spot for Daniil and the song reminds me a bit of him.

Lance - Bronx (Veysel)

Du musst doppelt zahlen, deshalb krieg' ich es umsonst Audemars, Yves Saint Laurent, eine Villa irgendwo Audemars, Yves Saint Laurent, ein paar Villen irgendwo

[You have to pay double that’s why I get it for free Audemars, Yves Saint Laurent, a mansion somewhere Audemars, Yves Saint Laurent, a few mansions somewhere]

This is a song that you have to listen to on high volume in a fast car, one that once again has really badass vibes. It’s nice to rap along to and hard not to move to. The rich boy vibes in the chorus that I’ve included in this post are pretty inevitable and logically, I had to associate that with Lance. When I turn this song on, everyone enjoys it, and I think Lance deserves to evoke that emotion in everyone as well.

Sergio - AVENTADOR (Dardan, Eno, Noah)

Roll' im Aventador Ich fahr' grad vor Gebe Gas, sag': "¡Adiós!"

[Roll in an Aventador I hit the road Step on the gas, say “¡Adiós!”]

I mean yeah, I could have chosen that song only because of the Adiós but that’s a bit lame even for me. Instead, the entire fast car vibe reminded me a lot of Checo. I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for him and this year he once again showed people ([coughs] my brother) that he’s been severely underestimated. So stepping on the gas and outpacing everyone else felt like the right vibe.

Kimi - Sorry Not Sorry (Monet192, Takt32, badmómzjay)

Was du für Karriere machst, mach' ich als Hobby Was du für Probleme hast, interessiert keinen

[What you made your career, I do as a hobby What problems you have, no one cares]

The title itself embodies Kimi and so does the entire song. The not giving a shit vibe, paired with the mention of the hobby thing as an indirect reference to the famous Kimi quote about seeing his job more as a hobby, are just 100% Kimi. I really couldn’t have found a better song for him. 

Antonio - Maserati (RAF Camora)

Capo dei capi Trip noch im Alfa, doch bald Maserati

[Capo dei capi Trip still in an Alfa but soon in a Maserati]

I did very much not choose the song because “capo dei capi” (the boss of bosses) is a mafia related thing, but because of the Alfa part, duh. Roadtrips in an Alfa along the Adriatic coast are cool and all but a Maserati is obviously the main goal, and that reminds me of Antonio quite a lot ~for some reason~. The entire part about making it far in life without a “serious” job is just very F1, so the vibes are there. Happy very belated birthday Toni <3

Romain - HOCH (CRO)

Alles holt dich down, lass es einfach los Und die Dinge unter dir sind gar nicht mehr so groß Ich schau' nach oben und auf einmal geht's hoch

[Everything drags you down, just let it go And the things below you are not as big anymore I look up and suddenly it goes upwards]

This song is just very peaceful and calms my mind when I listen to it, which radiates the same comforting vibe as Romain. The topic of rising despite things dragging you down are a very prominent topic here and reminded me a lot of him, especially with him leaving Haas and everything around that. It just feels nice to listen to a bit of an uplifting song once in a while, and this one does it in a way that still allows you to feel calm and safe, which is something I associate with Romain a lot.

Kevin - Vorbei (Nico Rosseburg, Sierra Kidd)

Sag mir bitte, wie passe ich die Zeit? Der Augenblick war schön, doch es ist vorbei

[Please tell me, how do I pass the time? The moment was nice but now it’s over]

With Kevin leaving F1, I had to go for this song for him. It’s a bit more of a sad topic (so am I with the knowledge of him not being there next year) but without making the entire thing sound melancholic. I only really learned to appreciate Kevin this year and I’ll miss having him around, so this song kind of fits that idea for me.

George - 20 Zoll MAE (Celo&Abdi, Bonez MC)

Ich fahr' mit Schrittgeschwindigkeit, so wie ein Don Hättest gerne meine Felgen, aber wirst sie nicht bekommen

[I drive at walking pace like a Don You’d like to have my rims but won’t get them]

Making this solely about driving at walking pace would be a bit mean but there’s a part in the song soon after about looking beautiful in a Mercedes, so that’s pretty much George. The song just carries that fun vibe and the subtle (not really) flex, which makes it great to listen to if you want to get in a happier mood. It’s a song about Mercedes rims, of course I had to choose George 😔

Nicholas - Standard (KitschKrieg, SFR, Trettmann, Gzuz, Gringo, Ufo361)

Treff' mich in Miami, fliege nur noch First-Class Nur noch unterwegs, kriege Heimweh

[Meet me in Miami, only flying first class anymore Only on the road anymore, getting homesick]

More ~rich boy vibes~ and a song that has been playing what feels like 24/7 on MTV Germany the last two years. It got so bad that some people around me still reply in the trademark Gzuz voice when someone uses the word “standard”. Anyway, I associate this song with Nicholas because just like KitschKrieg did with their first “own” song, Nicholas has joined the game and left an impression on everyone, in one way or another, and I’m willing to see/hear more of that :)

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

Happy new year everyone 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I know 2020 has been hard for everyone.

And I want everyone to know, suffering isn't a contest and we all suffer in different ways. But I feel I should give my year in Review. Just some things that happened to me personally.

This was an intense, and long and spiritual and emotional journey for me...

I really discovered what it meant to have community, family and what my life means to me.

But I feel I need to get this in writing cause I can remember the year with vivid detail and I will probably forget if I don't get it down.

Do I have to share this publically online to my tumblr account for a bunch of strangers to see? not really.

Do I want to?

Yes. I think so. Just from how so many people on tumblr and real life have touched me.

This is kinda long and no one needs to read this.

(idk how to do a readmore on mobile. But this is where I would add it later. No one needs to read if they don't want to.)

January/February: (and some background on the last five years of my life cause.....well. it's important.)

As people knew, I got way into Invader Zim last summer. I spent most of my waking life working a dead end job at a grocery store. I lived a sad lonely life, going straight home to a single dark studio apartment. With not many material possessions outside of games, my laptop and my tablet to my name. Half of my material loves, such as home furnishings and books were still in boxes from when I moved in. In case I ever had to move again, or get some "big screenshot or copywriter" job in the city.

....

I lived in that city in the same dead end job and apartment for five years.

No friends. No social life. I often refused to make doctor appointments or attempt to establish myself in that city. I didn't even talk to anyone in my workplace.

Work. Go online. Go to sleep.

I lived like that for five years.

I thought it was good.

Even my therapist thought I was doing well.

When I really wasn't. My main character flaw I struggle with is motivation.

I can talk to someone about very detailed plans I have to fix a problem... But I tend to never follow through.

Just because I can describe in detail how to fix my personal problems, it doesn't mean I will do it.

(I have gotten better at this but it's a major struggle)

I might have been a Zombie during the day...

But by night I was pouring my soul into my AU and my analysis.

After being so thoughly ignored or overlooked by the Naruto fandom and the Undertale fandom, I felt like I had finally found my home and was settling into a community there.

I just loved that people loved what I had to say.

Especially my AU.

It's no secret that a lot of themes in my au revolve around found family, grief, and loss.......

Fatherhood, in particular.

What it means to be a father, how much do you need to try when you mess up, how willing should a child forgive their parent, especially those that have wronged you and how much of it is factually accurate and simply a self projection of what children want their parents to be and visa versa... What amount of forgiveness and change is nessasary...is it needed?

....

It's no secret that a lot of my AU is a giant coping mechanism for my Dad's death. Espessially the falling out and growing closer with a lot of my family members throughout the years following his death. (Most of the time I keep it ambiguous to how it relates to my personal life unless I include a readmore that states so outright. I feel my au can be enjoyed by a variety of people in the fandom who don't need to know me as a person or my life story.)

My Dad passed away in 2016 in February and my family still feels the aftershocks to this day.

It's part of the reason I moved to the city, alienated myself from my family and people that loved me and refused to experience life for five years.

My entire world was Zim, and I was okay.

March: When America finally realized and started to feel the effects of the pandemic....

A lot of people got scared.

Me included.

I didn't have any streaming services or access to the news. So I only heard accounts from my mom.

I didn't understand why the store was so dead quiet and empty for a few days, then it went into mass chaos and panic in the span of two days.

It felt like Retail black friday in the worst way. Everyone was packed like sardines. Everyone was yelling. The lines at the registers bled into the clothing department.

I was witness to customers shoving others for toilet paper, being rude to cashier's and just overall unpleasantness.

At the time, I didn't even fully grasp what the pandemic was, and I feel a lot of people at the time didn't either.

I ended up absentmindedly scratching my eyebrow in front of a customer and she screamed and villanised me for it. That they didn't want groceries touched by my "unclean hands"

I ended up breaking down into tears.

The customer behind me gave me a hug and told me I was doing a great job.

But the damage was done. It was the final straw, I couldn't stop crying and I was breaking apart.

Thankfully my Boss (the one who likes me) pulled me aside and asked what's wrong.

It was then that I quit. No notice. Same day. I had to get out of there.

I was planning to move to an apartment with my sister in the summer, but my Mom offered for me to move back in with her temperarily just so I can get out of the city and away from the pandemic.

So I did.

I got scared, broke my lease a month early and quit my job of five years that gave me nothing back.

He told me, "take care of yourself and your family, I won't keep you here, do what you need to do."

So I did.

April-June:

A very eventful few months.

My mom offered for me to live at her place, but for some reason she was acting like I would live there forever. That this wasn't a temporary arrangement, and that I didn't have an apartment set up already.

This was in large part to my sister, who had lived with my mom taking advantage of her for years.

Even though my sister and I were going to move in together, I was just never sure about it cause of how she never packed her stuff or made any effort to find a job.

My mom often acted like I was lazy and not searching and was treating me like... Well, an unruly teenager instead of a woman of 29 years. She acted like I was a failure for returning home when it was her idea in the first place.

I would have just been petrified in the city.

Like usual, I retreated to my au again.... And in the spring, something eventful happened.

In may, 8th 2020:

I was invited by @rissynicole to join an invader zim discord.

Now, I've never really used discord before. I always thought it's interface is too confusing.. and I'm a member of a few other iz discords and I usually don't follow them that closely.

Rissy assured me it was different cause some friends of thiers made it and it was smaller.

Before I knew it, I was sharing memes and getting to know everyone there.

It wasn't long after I invited my partner in IZ crimes, @paketdimensioncomic who was genuinely wary of iz servers due to a bad experience with the last one they were a part of.

But soon they were sharing memes and laughing with everyone else.

My eyes were starting to open and I was able to connect to fans of my work in an interpersonal way. And I was able to discover new artists and aus I never knew about.

I was also able to meet so many others of the community and invite them to the server myself.

The moo-ping 10 server kept me sane while I was living with my judgmental mother.

Not only that, the summer was very productive for my au.

Drawing was all I did, and it was a huge break from the job as a cashier I had.

Not only that, June came, and with it, me and Ceph's first collab fic:

A result of us just going back and forth in our DMs constantly about Professor Membrane and how he changed in ETF for the better and how much we adamantly stan "trying-to-be-a-good-dad-brane" and how much of his ETF development has to be implied off screen in order for the emotional resolution in the movie to matter.

The only reason I never professed my love for Membrane as a character in the fandom before the fic dropped was.... Well....

Membrane can be a decisive character in the fandom and I was so worried people would hate me if I did an analysis on him, simply because he's not the best parent in the world. (As an understatement)

Ceph and I really encouraged each other to scream our love for the science himbo loud and proud more frequently and so often.... I actually start to see less Membrane hate posts and breakdowns then their used to be.... I like to think it's a combination of Me and Ceph's influence, along with ETF and the Quarterly's painting Membrane in a slightly more nuanced light then he was previously.

I never wrote a collab fic before and it's such a rewarding and fun and unique experience that I don't think I'll ever have again. And I love working with Ceph on our fics so much.

So much so we did it again...

July-August:

I never thought I would be one of those people who writes NSFW IZ fic... But here I am.

The Brainbrane au started.... An au of my au where Membrane and the Computer fall in love and Membrane makes him a body.

This ship was based around the idea where we joked that Membrane and Zim's Computer would have funny interactions if they ever met, under the pretense Membrane thinks Computer is Zim's parent.

Our headcanons morphed and shifted until we just full blown started shipping them.

Just because Membrane and Zim's Computer have overall REALLY entertaining chemistry.

It's a character dynamic never seen in the show or comics (yet) and I imagine thier interactions to be nothing but entertaining banter.

The fic was also born from spite... Making fun of the troupes and cliches that we found personally destestible in some questionable zadr fics.

So an angry ace and a demi-bisexual collab on a porn and end up blessing the fandom with

Compapa headcanons,

Computer being recognized as a more common used fanon character,

The ship of Brainbrane.

The fandom having a crisis of "oh God, not only are we xenophiles we're technophiles too!!!" Or "why you gotta give Zim's Computer an ass"

More android Computer designs

It was an eventful summer.

In the midst of all this, I moved into my new place, got a new job, and I was able to see my friend (who is def my platonic straight soul mate) who lives in Indiana.

She came to visit, showed me how to decorate and how to take care of my body better! Things were looking up! It was great.

September-November:

My job was at a boat store. If was approaching the fall and my hours were being severely cut.

I was getting into a rut of depression again.

I thought things were changing but the same routine I was trying to escape from was the same thing coming back.

But instead of letting it take hold, I decided I was going to do something about it... I was gonna visit a museum and go with my sister. Just... variety stimulation.

Well that didn't happen.

I talked about this shortly in my au itself...but..

My sister had a complete mental breakdown.

She stopped taking her meds, went off the deep end and was in the hospital a total of five times throughout November.

A lot of it was acting out and the perfect storm of environmental factors that made her scream and act out so she would keep going back to the hospital.

It was traumatizing for me.

I just can't explain what it's like. For her and for me to be in that position.

I'm not telling the full story and a lot of bullshit things happened I won't share here.

She got diagnosed with bipolar one and my mom expected me to be a caretaker for her.

I threatened to disown my family and move away out of state.

It was just too much for me to handle.

So much I was a nervous wreck.

I tried to pick up a second job... Cause my sister was in the mental ward so frequently and couldn't pay the bills.

But I was fired within a week cause I was so stressed I couldn't retain the basic information they were training me for.

It was an office job.

My dream.

It could have been.

I was fired from something I really wanted.

I was only there for three days.

I could not retain any information.

I was a mess.

My sister was a trigger, my mom wanted me to live with her. I couldn't live like this.... I had to get out.

I had to get out.

December:

Remember my Indiana friend?

Well the first week of December is my birthday.

My 30th to be exact.

While I did pick up a seasonal position at Target (not my first pick)

I took the first week of December off so I could spend time with her. Cause she agreed, I needed a break from this crap.

Surviving 30 years is cause to celebrate and if I had to celebrate with my sister I would have cried.

I know there was a risk traveling out of state during a pandemic...

But I needed out, I needed a friend..

And I kinda wanted to look at the place since I was considering moving there.

My friend's mom was sick so she avoided me and her daughter and got us a hotel room.

It was fun! I got to swim in a salt water pool, we talked about Naruto, I showed her the iz and su art books I brought, also Computer and Membrane tea.

I also got to meet her other friends and get crunk. And her bf who is super nice and funny!

I had a super fun birthday....

Until her mom told my friend that her grandparents had covid and that was what she had. And my friend got sick within that same day.... As did I.

I owe so much to her family.

I was an entire state away...about a ten hour drive from home.... She let me stay at her house. "The covid house" we called it.

Cause everyone (except the father. He avoided everyone and booked a hotel immediately cus he was an ER doctor) had covid within a day.

I called in, the test results were positive and I had to stay with her family for ten days quarantine before I could work again.

Which would have been fine....

If my tumblr didn't log me out perminately of my old account. @dana-chan325 .... Which really sucked cause I had a constant headache and was too sick to engage with tumblr or much of the fandom. I didn't want to make a new account when my head was in a bad fog and I could barely breathe or smell.

It's not like I saw much of my friend either.... We all slept at different hours and she had more symptoms then I did.

It was just netflix, danganronpa v3 and cry.

I was miserable, but at the same time.... Not?

I really feel like God himself was the one who pulled me off from tumblr, and my living situation.

Maybe a whole extra week feeling like a bobblehead was what I needed.

It gave me some much needed clarity on my relationships with my mom and sis and friend.

Running away to Indiana was not the solution here.

Once I was better within ten days and no longer had a leave of absence, I drove home.

I am glad I fully recovered (but from how I understand it, my dear friend is still ill. I'm praying for her)

I might have gone to work a bit too soon, cause I had an asthma attack after trying to unload a single cart in the span of six hours.

My boss lectured that my speed was unacceptable, and even though I explained the covid situation and breathing problems many times, she threatened that I'd be fired if I'm that slow again.

Que the next few days of work where they put me on register.

Instantly I was sent into a panic remembering the last time I was on the register and how that panic attack caused me to quit.

I even asked if I could go back to stocking, since my breathing had improved. My boss assured me that I was put on the register cause they needed help and nothing to do with my covid thing.

Then as December concluded and the new year began, my boss said that this was the last shift for me cause my position was seasonal and they were letting a lot of people go.

I then asked why I was on the schedule for Sunday, and he told me to ignore it and I'm free to reapply for full-time.

I mean.... They can act smart about it...

But putting your general merchandise stocker onto register after she had an asthma attack and missed working the first two weeks of December due to covid.....

Not a good look.

So once again, I'm jobless once more.

Will probably continue to live with my sister for awhile.

But I do not feel as if it's a bad thing....

I met so many good people this year....

My friend's family even gave me 500 usd to cover my rent since I couldn't work for a majority of December.

I've seen evil and good from humanity this year. I've seen acts of god, good friends and what my real family means to me as well as friends I consider family.

This year really made me look back at the person in the mirror and say,

"I deserve better."

And actually worked for it this time.

Oh and after Christmas I got a horrible yeast infection that burns over most of my body currently.

Very accurate doodle to the pain I'm in right now.

(seriously my body is a fungus.)

But hey, good news, I respected myself enough to go to the doctor about it!!

So that's progress.

I really hope 2021 holds good things for me.

Thank you to the mooping 10 server for always being there and keeping me sane,

Thank you tumblr for liking my au and everything.

AND A SUPER SPECIAL THANK YOU TO @evartandadam and her family for housing me and my dumb diseased ass. Everyone, she is an angel and I can't express how much she means to me. Please check out her art and buy her stuff on redbubble.

Anyways... Byebye 2020.

I look forward to what I can accomplish for myself this year.

[bladekindeyewear]

HS^2 bloggin’ mainline 2020-12-25

I’m not going to spend time BLOGGING an upd8 on Christmas morning!

...yes I am who the fuck am I kidding.  (Bonus stuff and Hiveswap are still well on hold though.)

So are we gonna follow up on the main ship?  Probably not, right, with that perfect Karkat point to cut away, right?  We’re just going to leave Roxy’s question hanging, as well as makeouts etiquette, and leave while having seen a COUPLE FRAMES of non-possessed canon Jade with only whatever fun fanart was inspired across the internet by the moment to tide us over????

Yeah, probably.

Ugh, more Dirk.  I guess it’s overdue.  :(

> CHAPTER 16. Welcome to my Secret Lair

Oh huh, I guess not?  So... Jane’s, or Rose and Kanaya’s?

Karkat stays for longer than John thought he would. They talk a bit, but mostly they are quiet. Eventually, Karkat gets called away on yet more important war business, leaving John with one final touch on the shoulder. John leans into it in response, though he’s a bit ashamed of chasing down a sliver of physical affection so soon after obliterating Karkat’s evening like he had.

Pretty much, yeah.  Can’t blame either of them.

When Karkat is finally gone, John still doesn’t move. It isn’t as though he has nowhere else to go, since there are quite a few places he might attempt to make himself useful, for better or for worse.

You’re still abandoning the task that was explicitly yours to protect your literal kid and his friends, but, oh well.  Low-point.  Dave dead, house dead, broke news, I get it.

He just doesn’t feel ready for that yet. The remnants of his house are still smoldering, and he can’t stop staring at them. It would make sense, he thinks, to want to root around through the rubble for anything that’s still intact; some half-charred keepsake to claim as the last thing left that’s still his. But he doesn’t want to do it, and he doesn’t want to think about it. And he still can’t move.

Can’t move.  No Breath huh?  What’s going to get him to, then?

> (==>)

Oh boy, that might help.  XD  She’s pretty good at that.

> (==>)

Still with the waistline gap.  And was his phone always yellow like his God-Tier shoes?

ROXY: hey john can u do me a quick solid ROXY: actly idk how quick itll be but its definitely solid ROXY: harry anderson says i just missed u being here but could u skip back on over?

Nice, huh!  No judgment, just a hey-any-chance-you-could-swing-back.  He sort of needs to be needed right now, in a simple, almost everyday non-judgmental way I guess.  (That’s what he NEEDED anyway-- whether he deserved it though is up for debate.)

ROXY: i need help w/smth and yr darling boy is holed up in his room working on some fuckin craft project or other and cant be bothered

YES SEW JOHN A BETTER FITTING FUCKING OUTFIT

ROXY: and now that me and u are freshly on speakin terms again i might as well take advantage of that olive branch and put u to work ROXY: assumin you havent died in an air raid, that is ROXY: which id also be interested in knowin about so if u wld be so kind as to reply instead of leavin me hangin

Heheheh.  Gosh Roxy is always the best.

JOHN: yea yea sorry im here. JOHN: i just had a hard time getting my phone out of these fucking tiny pants.

Hah.

JOHN: and also my house is bombed out so i'm kinda grappling with that. JOHN: but i honestly am not sure how much longer i need to sit around staring at it. trying to align my memories of my youth with whatever is happening right now so JOHN: short version is no i’m not dead, and yeah i can come back over there and help you out. ROXY: oh sweet yr alive and down to do manual labor its a win/win JOHN: see you soon.

Yep!  Pulled away from all the metaphorical, ultra-meaningful bullshit, back to some brass tacks with some easy humor.  Definitely something Roxy can do well.~

> (==>)

EXCUSE ME.  What is that outfit and pose.  Did you--

ROXY: sup ROXY: follow me ROXY: well were just going to my room so i guess technically u know the way JOHN: haha ok.

Did you invite him over for the manual labor of banging you while your son is sewing in the other room

Or maybe the labor is making him a new sibling.  JFC

Is this plan part of why we got the sudden content warning that was mocked or was that mainly for Hiveswap 

John follows, trying to shake the ominous feeling he got from what she’d just said. He’d been in and out of this house a lot in the past few days. Why should this be any different?

I DUNNO JOHN DOES THIS SEEM DIFFERENT TO YOU

> (==>)

Yea this seems like a fucc room.

JOHN: it’s not like i could forget! ROXY: ya i guess u only really saw the living room when you were here the other day but i have changed some stuff up ROXY: done a lil redecoratin here n there

So it’s MORE of a fucc room than previously >__>”

ROXY: may have to do a smidge more if my old bff decides im next on the list for bombing out ROXY: but so far so good

Ah geez.

ROXY: just a coupla exploded cars in the yard from some shenanigans our dear son and his friends were in but u kno it is what it is!!!

Well, that’ll buff out easy.

ROXY: can i get u anything? ROXY: just made some coffee JOHN: no, uh, i’m good.

Of course she has a fancy handled winecoffeeglass  (and the handle does look ridiculous but it’d be too hot to hold otherwise)

Roxy shrugs and swirls her own coffee around in her novelty mug. John looks around. A lot about the room is the same. The family photos, the rug. There’s a lot more cat stuff in there now, though. The bed is new. John feels like he’s about to take a test he hasn’t studied for. He makes himself focus on what she’s saying.

That would be the feeling.

> (==>)

MY GOD.  Roxy is so fucking good at this holy shit

She KNOWS she’s making him squirm and she loves it

JOHN: so uh anyway. JOHN: what was this favor? ROXY: yo why dont u just come rest yr tush for a bit ROXY: take a lil relax next 2 me here JOHN: haha uh. JOHN: roxy i uh. JOHN: im flattered, but i don’t know if that’s really the right step right now. JOHN: don’t get me wrong, everything seems so fucked up right now that when i try to think about what might actually BE the right step, it feels like a huge cartoon question mark might physically manifest over my head. JOHN: but I’m not sure if um rekindling our physical relationship is really the best--

So is Roxy trolling him, about to reveal she wasn’t thinking of sex and was just making things seem sultry?  Or just had “lol jk” as an option-select, maybe.

> (==>)

ROXY: r u kiddin me rn egbert JOHN: i’m not? unless you were, in which case yeah lets say i was also kidding. JOHN: oh my god, i’m sorry, i don’t know why this making me freak out.

OH NOOO NOT THE DISDAAAAIN - CRITICAL HIT D:

ROXY: i remember our past boot knockin with fondness but that is a situation im not interested in revisiting

boot knockin XD

ROXY: look john ROXY: i was trying to be polite about it ROXY: offering u sustenance n rest n all ROXY: but you look like shit ROXY: i just wanted to catch up on the whole heinous war situation were in and maybe check in on e/o before leaping strait to the real n actual nonsexual manual labor favor i have in mind for u JOHN: oh.

Hey, she can’t help looking sexy she’s too good at it.

Is the manual labor moving the crashed cars?  Can’t Roxy pull that off on her own, or... banish the cars to the void or something?  (Oh, but WOULD she want to do it on her own when she can rope in John and bring him down to earth by giving him a useful task?  And admittedly his strength and wallet would make things easier.)

John feels his shoulders unbunch. Of course. Yeah. He’s almost embarrassed by how relieved he feels. So what if his ex wife wanted to hook up? Shouldn’t that be a situation he could navigate? Don’t people like to find solace in human physical connection during dire times? Why did the idea of it make his mind white out in panic more than, say, any number of the traumas he just experienced?

Probably some gender stuff mixed up in there too, June.

He doesn’t know, but he believes Roxy that he must look pretty haggard. He probably feels haggard? Maybe sitting down will feel better.

Just put your feet up yeah

> (==>)

WHAT A CUTE IMAGE

JOHN: sorry. like i said, my "how to react to stuff" meter is completely fucked right now. ROXY: thats fair bud

she’s used to being patient with you don’t worry otherwise you never would’ve gotten this far

ROXY: real fast i do need to do a quick takeback of all that shit i said last time we talked about janey not being literally the most evil person we knew or whatever ROXY: i guess i was hopped up on arguin or somethin since that was before we hit our conversational vibe bc of course u were right and i shoulda listened

Ouch.  Yeah, we saw just lately just how far off the deep end she was.  (Where was that funny upd8 reaction art summarizing the bit where Kanaya was holding Tavros hostage and Jane was transparently debating “hmm do I let my son die?” and Kanaya and Tavros were just looking at each-other flat-mouthed nervous?  I REALLY wanted to share that but I don’t usually want to reblog or put most stuff HS^2 not under a read-more, for spoiler purposes, usually.)

ROXY: im just glad ur ok ROXY: or like alive JOHN: yeah, jury's still out on "ok" but, you know. ROXY: ya ROXY: u said ur house is gone?? JOHN: yep. JOHN: completely. ROXY: jeez ROXY: i would ask how ur feelin but like the answer 2 that has got 2b "prtty bad"

Talk it ouuuut~~  get those feels out there and articulated john

JOHN: yeah. JOHN: i mean. JOHN: no? JOHN: it’s weird. JOHN: it feels like it should be a bigger deal, I guess? JOHN: like it’s my HOUSE. JOHN: but mostly it always felt like my dad’s house? JOHN: and when i started living there after i moved out of here, it was like i crammed myself back into whatever was left of my kid self? JOHN: and it didn’t feel good, but it at least was familiar, you know? JOHN: like living there let me feel closer to my dad, trying to be like the way i remember him, or like how i remember him wanting me to be, or something? JOHN: and i didn’t realize how much i hated doing that until i saw it all go up in flames. JOHN: so i guess i could have used my powers to stop the fire and save whatever was left of the place, but i couldn’t bring myself to do it. JOHN: like some fucked up part of me was glad i got there too late? JOHN: so i just sat there, watching, trying to figure out why watching my house burn down felt like i was being released from prison. JOHN: and even now i keep trying to explain it away, as though it’s because of how fucked up everything else is that it made me feel good. JOHN: but that’s just bullshit. JOHN: it DID feel good. JOHN: i DO feel free. JOHN: sorry.

I was kind of saying some Breath/Blood stuff at the time of him losing his last tie to his stubborn sticking-to-his-kid-self bit?  Except now we’re mixing it in with June Egbert and his gender-identity questions too.

ROXY: no need 2 apologize ROXY: we just delved in2 my whole gender thing last time so it seems fine for u to have a turn JOHN: i didn’t say it was a gender thing.

Oh shit

ROXY: well no i just meant like i did some sharing ROXY: like referrin 2 the topic i brought up when we chatted last ROXY: but like now that u mention it ROXY: *meaningful pause* JOHN: … JOHN: i JOHN: ROXY: lol well we can move on 2 the favor part if youd rather ROXY: stick a lil pin in that topic n come back 2 it when u have had sleep

Are you just INCREDIBLY incisive Roxy or have you and John talked about this before?

ROXY: like i said the other day its not like this shits figureoutable in 1 sitting anyways JOHN: yeah... ROXY: sooooooo ROXY: movin on

It’s just fine for Roxy to slow-roll this yeah, if she’s going to pry open that door a little

ROXY: dont be mad but theres a part of the house u didnt know abt the whole time u lived here JOHN: what? ROXY: yea ROXY: i got a secret lair ROXY: for my sciences

OH FUCK YES SCIENCE LAB, of COURSE Roxy would want a cool science lab basement because she always wants a cool science lab basement

ROXY: and i get to it via a transportalizer underneath our bed ROXY: which is 2 heavy 2 move by my lonesome so i just needed to borrow some o your aforementioned powers of wind

Okay no.  Wait.  What the fuck?

First of all, as funny and MSPaintAdventures-y as furniture being in the way of things is, why would you block it with a bed too heavy to move, but,

Second of all, more importantly, how is a GOD-TIER ROXY not strong enough to lift a heavy bed?!?!?!?  Either she’s lying to get John involved in things or this is a gendered cop-out because these characters are superheroes at the TOP of their echeladders, given obnoxiously powerful video-game strength and athletics only to then have ascended into DEITIES.  God-Tier Roxy could probably have lifted a bed like that when she was SEVENTEEN!  And now she’s an ADULT, out-of-shape or otherwise!  If this were a whole CAR I might be willing to handwave it, but just a heavy BED?!?  And none of the GUYS are going to have this much trouble lifting a bed like this, are they??  This just feels like following classic cartoony gender tropes in the complete absence of these characters’ super powers, what the fuck, and also Roxy if you didn’t make it Transportalizer-only access you could have given it an entrance you could phase through with your fancy powers to get to.  FUCK.

This feels stupid.

ROXY: so if u dont mind woosh away JOHN: uh ok, well... JOHN: a secret science lair, sure, i can deal with that. JOHN: why not! JOHN: it doesn’t work out great when i do the windy thing indoors, though. ROXY: aight then no wind bending just use your mangrit

Roxy flexes, the corner of her mouth pulled up into a familiar grin. John feels his guts, so recently calmed, twist up into knots again. Her eyebrows shoot up and the smile loosens. He must have shown something on his face.

You’re already THIS sensitive about gendertalk?

ROXY: ok or just like push when i push ROXY: we both got sick muscles ROXY: no other adjectives necessary JOHN: yeah ok. ROXY: on 3?

Please, please reinforce the idea that they both have sick strength, because they fucking do and the idea that Roxy actually a hundred percent NEEDED John to do this is BS.

> (==>)

JOHN: holy shit? ROXY: sorry to lop yet another huge scoop onto ur lil brains ice cream revelation sundae JOHN: so wait, if this thing's always been under the bed, how’d you get down here before without me? ROXY: well thats neither here nor there john JOHN: i mean it is kinda. Here. ROXY: fine ok checkmate ROXY: i dont ACTUALLY need ur nerdgrit for this escapade ROXY: like im sorry but i said it ROXY: i mostly just wanted to see you and show u wats down here

THANK FUCKING CHRIST.

If that wasn’t actually just a lie to get him involved I was going to stay SO mad.  Of COURSE Roxy can move a fucking BED no matter how heavy it is.  OF COURSE.

ROXY: and also uve been ~sent for~ JOHN: ok but like ROXY: john i am inviting u 2 my inner sanctum ROXY: i am literally bringing out the word "sanctum" in case u werent already clued in 2 how cool this is ROXY: so do u wanna go into my secret lair or wat JOHN: yeah!? JOHN: yes? i guess? ROXY: aight good

Yes John of course you want to stop fighting it

ROXY: then as they told me in the hospital before lil h a was born ROXY: just push

eyeroll, but yeah, of course

> (==>)

Oh cool, sprite form version of her loungewear.

> (==>)

Sorry for my compulsion to post every full-frame image of Roxy in this awesome outfi-WERE YOU KEEPING CALLIOPE UNDER YOUR BED THIS WHOLE TIME?!?????

That’s like... almost a fucking metaphor isn’t it????  For the relationship you preferred in the other timeline and possibly THIS one TOO or

ROXY: hey callieee i got him ROXY: o damn john sorry i shoulda also told u callies here weve been hangin out again ROXY: 1 more freak for ur bean

Oh huh, so this isn’t an always thing.  And these two can get close in more than one timeline where it would’ve worked out nicely.  :)

JOHN: oh it's ok, my bean feels pretty well adjusted to freakage at this point so keep them coming if you like! ROXY: k cool i will JOHN: do i get to know what that big thing under the sheet is? ROXY: hmmmmmm no JOHN: oh ok. JOHN: are you sure? i mean, it seems like a pretty prominent feature of the room. JOHN: space. JOHN: wherever we are. ROXY: and a totally mysterious n COMPLETELY inconspicuous feature it will have to remain for now ROXY: we r kinda in a hurry here fyi ROXY: and by that i mean ROXY: we are in precisely the amount of hurry that means im excused from having to a that specific q rn JOHN: right, sorry. JOHN: i will pay no attention to the object behind the curtain. ROXY: u catch on fast egbert ROXY: anyway theres more cool info coming so just follow me

I don’t have any big theories.  Is it just the Hiveswap device or something?  If Calliope helped with it it’d help explain the Cherubic theme.

> (==>)

JOHN: so... this is all downstairs? JOHN: it seems like you had a lot of work done. ROXY: well no not x actly ROXY: were in the old meteor JOHN: under the house??? ROXY: ok so ROXY: in hindsight it may have been a bit misleading 2 say like ROXY: "downstairs" ROXY: in reference to a place which is hells of buried underground and may not actually be literally under the house ROXY: but there is no time to explain all that rn john so instead im going to refer u to my adorable little green friend here CALLIOPE: #U_U# ROXY: (hehe) CALLIOPE: *AHEM* CALLIOPE: hi john! CALLIOPE: long time no see. ^u^

Cherubs just really like dark cavelike places full of weird tech don’t they.

> (==>)

THEY’RE SO CUTE

JOHN: oh, uh. hey callie! JOHN: it sure has been a while huh. JOHN: now that i think about it, the last time the three of us hung out like this... CALLIOPE: was when i was aggressively third wheeling yoUr prenUptial coUrtship? CALLIOPE: if yoU dont mind, john, i'd rather not rehash that period of oUr lives. CALLIOPE: it was more than a little painfUl for me. JOHN: oh. JOHN: god, jeez, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to-- CALLIOPE: hee hee john i am only pUlling yoUr leg, don't worry. CALLIOPE: if anything i was personally a little thrilled with how things shook oUt in that respect. CALLIOPE: imagine, if yoU will, a yoUng cherUb raised in solitUde, whose only solace was the convolUted and tUmUltUoUs romantic schemata she projected onto her only friends from another Universe. CALLIOPE: and then fUrther imagine that this yoUng cherUb, throUgh varioUs even *more* convolUted contrivances, ended Up in the company of those selfsafe friends as an eqUal participant in their sphere of social discoUrse! CALLIOPE: it is a joy the like of which yoU possibly cannot fathom. u_u

Reinforcing that things turning out this way was in fact the FANTASY that Calliope was writing over in the Canon timeline.  Just, heavily, HEAVILY implied that the Candy timeline is -- or at least originated as -- Calliope’s fanfiction as a Muse of Space, and its competition for audience interest with canon is the essential conflict between alt!Calliope and Dirk (or Dirk and Andrew Hussie).

CALLIOPE: so to pUt it simply, getting to experience sUch emotional drama myself was an impossibly enriching experience. CALLIOPE: possibly a first for my species! CALLIOPE: it's actUally qUite interesting, if yoU ROXY: *nudge* CALLIOPE: oh, right. yes. i'm getting a little carried away, haha. CALLIOPE: argh, i'm sorry, this is not how i planned to begin this vital conversation.

Vital conversation?  What sorta truth-bombs are coming?

CALLIOPE: but to sUmmarise, what i was trying to say is: CALLIOPE: don't beat yourself Up aboUt it john. CALLIOPE: besides, hUman divorces are even more fascinating than i had ever imagined, and being able to witness yoUrs in motion was an honoUr. CALLIOPE: so i consider Us aboUt even at this point. JOHN: hahaha!!! JOHN: okay, well that's good to know! CALLIOPE: ^u^

Holy SHIT that was savage!  And we’ll NEVER know whether or not she really intended it so savagely, either.~

JOHN: so um... JOHN: i hear that there's this big secret thing you wanna tell me about? CALLIOPE: oh right, yes of course! CALLIOPE: let me jUst say first of all how thrilled i am that yoU're on board. CALLIOPE: i wasn't sUre if yoUr natUral inclinations woUld have preclUded yoUr coming to such a place as this, and yet here yoU are. CALLIOPE: this whole endeavoUr will be *so* mUch easier with yoUr help.

Uh oh.

Hopefully babies aren’t involved.

JOHN: oh! well, shucks. JOHN: not really sure what that means but i'm just glad to be of use somewhere, haha. JOHN: which, speaking of somewhere, CALLIOPE: ah right, right. yoU're probably a little cUrioUs as to where the dickens we are. CALLIOPE: how much do yoU know aboUt black holes? JOHN: um... like, the big space things? CALLIOPE: they aren't always big actUally, and in fact their relative smallness is practically their defining qUality. JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: bUt okay i think we are on the same page. CALLIOPE: so, what if i told yoU that we are inside of a black hole right now.

Oh dear, we’re getting into the canon/noncanon divide?

JOHN: um... JOHN: like, HERE? JOHN: we just transportalized into a black hole? CALLIOPE: no, i mean, what if oUr whole WORLD was inside a black hole. JOHN: ok.

Yeah, that’s gonna be John’s reaction.  “ok.”  Pretty much inevitable.

CALLIOPE: earth c, or at least oUr version of it, has, from the moment we crossed the victory threshold, been inside a black hole. JOHN: ok. CALLIOPE: and not just any black hole, bUt the very black hole in which the green sUn Ultimately met its demise, allowing oUr victory in the first instance! JOHN: huh! ROXY: ("huh!") ROXY: (rofl my fucking ao egbert) JOHN: (shhhh!)

And Roxy enjoys his non-reaction reactions as much as we do, hehe.

CALLIOPE: bUt, paradoxically, the critical moment which determined its capture within the black hole happened *after* that point. CALLIOPE: i refer of coUrse to yoUr decision not to retUrn to the mediUm and fight my brother. JOHN: wait, wait. JOHN: you mean, the meat and candy thing? JOHN: oh my god. JOHN: you mean i actually DID make a mistake that day. CALLIOPE: well, that's not exactly what that-- JOHN: ugh, i fucking KNEW it! JOHN: i'm so sorry. JOHN: i'm so sorry that i put the earth inside a black hole everyone. ): ROXY: john ROXY: listen ROXY: u have got to get out of this mindset i am begging you JOHN: ):

Yeah shake him out of this shit.

ROXY: your choice literally didnt matter ROXY: the whole thing was symbolic in the first place ROXY: literally symbolic in the case of the picnic i mean come on ROXY: it was just some steak and a plate of candy suckers JOHN: oh. CALLIOPE: i mean, i wouldn't go so far as to say that the meal we shared was unimportant, given the sacred significance of the two options i presented. CALLIOPE: but yes, yoUr choice of snack was infinitely less important than the choice which it presaged. CALLIOPE: and even then, calling it a choice woUld be sorely misleading. CALLIOPE: think of it like a coin flip. CALLIOPE: the series of events that led to Us being trapped beyond the event horizon of an Ubermassive black hole could be considered "tails", while the events which would have occUrred otherwise could be considered "heads". CALLIOPE: since both were possible, and paradox space is the way it is, they actUally both happened. and we jUst "happened" (hee hee) to get tails instead of heads. JOHN: you mean we ended up with the bad possibility. CALLIOPE: not at all! since both possibilities depend on one another's existence, it really doesn't make sense to call them "right" or "wrong". they both just "are". JOHN: o...kay... CALLIOPE: u_u

Yeah, it’s going to take a bit more than that to convince him he didn’t make the “wrong decision”.

CALLIOPE: i realise that this may be a lot to process. CALLIOPE: it's easy to forget that this wasn't obvioUs to everyone from the beginning. CALLIOPE: anyway, the reason i went on this tangent in the first place was to explain that the space we are standing in right now has a special significance, in that it is the location which corresponds to the black hole's singUlarity. JOHN: oh, wow. JOHN: um. JOHN: ok so, sorry if this is a dumb question to ask suddenly, but what does being inside of a black hole actually... mean for us? JOHN: is that bad? JOHN: is it like in movie, um, JOHN: shoot. JOHN: roxy what was that matthew mcconaughey movie from your earth that we watched? ROXY: u mean interstellar JOHN: RIGHT. JOHN: the one with the organ. JOHN: man. i cried at that movie so much. ROXY: lol u can say that again ROXY: iirc at least part of y u got so weepy was the fact that u couldnt believe a version of earth existed where ppl got 2 watch more mcconaughey films than you JOHN: listen. JOHN: i simply don't think you all appreciated the gift you were given. CALLIOPE: i don't believe i'm familiar with this particular film ^u^;; ROXY: oh dont worry cal you didnt miss much JOHN: (gasp)

This is all gold

ROXY: but the important point is that no its not really an interstellar type situation here egbert ROXY: ur not gonna enter a weird time vortex and change the trajectory of a little girls life with the power of love JOHN: aw.

Dammit, now we have to be on the lookout for that possibility.  Or it did sort of already happen more than once to John.  ...Whatever.

CALLIOPE: to go back to your original question, john. CALLIOPE: it's not strictly speaking "bad" for Us to be inside of a black hole, mUch thoUgh that contradicts most of what anyone knows about them. CALLIOPE: of coUrse, if we had fallen into it, that woUld be a whole other kettle of fish. CALLIOPE: the tidal forces woUld have stretched Us all into spaghetti and then ripped us apart! CALLIOPE: bUt the natUre of oUr arrival was more akin to simply "being" here, sUddenly. one moment we were not, and the next moment we were, and somehow always had been. CALLIOPE: in everyday, practical terms, being inside of a black hole has very little bearing on Us. CALLIOPE: i mean, the natUre of space and time is a little finicky in here, bUt for the most part it doesn't seem to be anything too oUt of the ordinary. CALLIOPE: bUt beyond that, it means that we are sealed away from the rest of existence. CALLIOPE: oUr sphere of inflUence is limited to the sphere of the black hole's bounding horizon. CALLIOPE: as far as everyone else is concerned, we might as well not even exist! JOHN: is there no way we could let anyone know that we're in here...? CALLIOPE: almost certainly not!

No?  So this doesn’t have to do with the divide?

CALLIOPE: there are very few ways for anything to escape the kind of predicament that we are in right now. one of them is to be an all-powerfUl being with control over the very fabric of space, with the energy of two Universes at yoUr disposal. CALLIOPE: in which case, escape woUld become rather trivial, if a little Unscientific. JOHN: ok. i am going to assume that we can't just do that. CALLIOPE: yoU've hit the nail on the head, UnfortUnately. U_U CALLIOPE: the method i described was the one employed by my alternate self, who yoU may recall crashed through the event horizon in the body that once belonged to jade harley. CALLIOPE: she departed through a pUnctUre she created in the black hole's surface shortly after consUming my brother, a deed which provided her with the necessary "oomph", and which was frankly rather breathtaking to watch. =u= CALLIOPE: bUt Upon her departUre, the rift closed for good. as far as i can see, there's simply no way for Us to commUnicate with the world oUtside the black hole.

What the heck?  Calliope SAW all this?  Is this her Muse powers at work, letting her observe these things, or was she there?  And John certainly did NOT see ANY of what Calliope just said happen.

CALLIOPE: i woUld certainly be very sUrprised to find oUt that anyone had managed sUch a thing!

So we’re going to find that out if we haven’t already.  Maybe something to do with the way Vrissy just conks out narcoleptically?

JOHN: ...right. JOHN: so... let me just get this straight. JOHN: knowing that we're inside of a black hole... does that actually change anything? JOHN: like, can't we just go on living like normal? CALLIOPE: oh absolUtely not. CALLIOPE: i don't know if yoU've noticed john bUt this world is on the brink of a total cataclysm. JOHN: oh.

Um, what?

CALLIOPE: oUr exclUsion from the overarching coUrse of events which governs all reality means that oUr existence here is liable to dramatic and violent Upheaval. CALLIOPE: to pUt it another way, becaUse nothing in here "matters", we are likely to be sUbjected to things which are a bit bats in the belfry, for no reason other than it's totally insignificant to the wider canon of reality. CALLIOPE: and mUch thoUgh i am personally titillated by some of the conseqUences of this predicament, it is a degrading way for Us to live. u_u JOHN: that's... certainly one way to put it, yeah...

No plot-armor for your entire timeline, I guess, yep.  Outside of canon, we can imagine and write about ANYTHING happening to the characters, or just drop their existence entirely, much like a doomed offshoot timeline.  It’s a plot stability that depended heavily on the threat of Lord English and being trapped in a story, and without it things are bound to see a BIT chaotic (or “degrading” if you view it as subjected to the whims of fanfic writers, certainly).

CALLIOPE: at first, i believed that this was simply necessary. Us playing tails to oUr coUnterparts' heads, the black to their white, and so forth. CALLIOPE: bUt over the years i have come to the conclUsion that this is simply not kosher. ROXY: its total bs is what it is CALLIOPE: right, yes. CALLIOPE: a steaming pile of bUllshite. CALLIOPE: and so we have decided that something needs to be done aboUt it.

Ah fuck.  You’re going to regulate non-canon?  “Canonize” it?  Is the fact that you eventually succeed at whatever it is you’re trying to do part of why we have the story presented to us in this bifurcated structure?

ROXY: this is finally where u come in jegbert ROXY: we gots quests for yous CALLIOPE: hee hee, yes. CALLIOPE: or *a* quest, to be specific. JOHN: oh boy! ROXY: (this fkin nerd i s2g)

Roxy and Calliope setting him on this quest as a Rogue of Void and a Muse of Space feels fitting.

JOHN: i'm not sure how i can go about freeing us from a hellish space prison, but i'm up for giving it a try i guess? JOHN: i have... literally nothing better to be doing at this point. except for maybe hanging out with harry anderson. ROXY: nice save lol

YEAH WE’RE STILL GLOSSING OVER HOW YOU LEFT HIM UNPROTECTED, JERK

ROXY: but u dont need to worry abt busting us outta space jail tbh ROXY: thats not ur problem to fix JOHN: oh. JOHN: i'm... not sure i follow, then. ROXY: i mean yeah ur gonna obvs facilitate it in a sense ROXY: but only by going and busting the person who can actually help us outta normal earth jail CALLIOPE: we need yoU to free vriska from the clUtches of oUr misgUided friend jane, and bring her here, to the singUlarity. ROXY: weve been calling it the plot point CALLIOPE: yes, the plot point is a key part of oUr plan. CALLIOPE: as far as we have been able to sUrmise, the only remaining method for escaping oUr grim confinement depends on leveraging the UniqUe properties of this location to create an event of sUch catalcysmic proportions that it simply cannot be contained within the black hole any more. CALLIOPE: something SO dramatic, so hyper-relevant, that it becomes ontologically impossible for anyone to ignore it. CALLIOPE: for that, we need an individUal of sUfficient narrative cloUt, so to speak. CALLIOPE: and to liberate her, who better than the embodiment of the aspect of freedom itself? CALLIOPE: ... CALLIOPE: phew. okay, i'm finished. CALLIOPE: CALLIOPE: sorry, that took longer than i expected to go throUgh.

..............................

OOooooh, kay.

Whatever this is, it’s going to be really weird and PROBABLY infuriating and/or shippy, and I’m probably not going to like it.  Plus it seems like it’s some sort of inverse belated canonization of some other black-hole-rescue theories I went on about at some point.  Although, related to that link, “aspect of freedom” if anyone wasn’t paying attention!  That’s a (sorta-)canon mention of the purpose of it!

They’re going to attention-wh-- attention-hog themselves out of the black hole so that they’re “considered canon” too, or close enough.  Huh.

ROXY: what r u talking about cals that was great ROXY: i could listen 2 u plotsplain for years CALLIOPE: oh you >u< ROXY: fyi this was why i wanted u to get a move on eggbread ROXY: so callie could have more time 2 infodump ROXY: thats love bitchhhhhh JOHN: hahaha. JOHN: ok, well, i think i understood all that?

Love with who? Callie, John, both?

In reality, John isn’t sure what most of this means. But on balance, it feels okay? He’s gone back and forth about a hundred times in the last week about where his place in everything is, so he might as well ride this out. Plus, the last time a Lalonde kind of told him to do something, he thinks that he chose not to, and look where that got him. And it’s not like he has other plans. He may as well do this! It’s at least going to get him involved in things again, if nothing else. He turns to go, and then hears a sound. It’s the sound of feet and knocking on doors, echoed through stone and digital static.

Oh shit.  Is Andrew trapped behind some fourth walls behind the curtains.

> (==>)

Oh RIGHT also that DEVICE is where they want to bring Vriska.  Are they going to overturn part of canon itself with a super-retcon thus making this timeline unbelievably relevant or--?  Maybe make all the PESTERQUESTS canon or something?!  I don’t know.  Maybe they’re INTENTIONALLY starting the game like Vriska wanted to??????

Guh, this is something so big that I don’t WANT to theorize about it, do I.

JOHN: did you hear that? ROXY: wha ROXY: oh yeah uh ROXY: i may have messaged rose and kan and jade to check on them too ROXY: so its prob onea them showin up ROXY: they don’t need to know bout all this tho ROXY: we got time to chat with them b4 u go get vriska

No, even if it’s a knock at the somehow-top-level-house-even-under-buried-- oh, right, maybe it’s covering in part a monitoring system that looks up there.  But still, part of that sound was DOUBTLESS these two hiding something, all standing in front of the curtain like that.

JOHN: i’ll go stall em. ROXY: thx babe ROXY: oh is it 2 soon for that joke or JOHN: no, weirdly enough, that one’s fine. ROXY: oh good ok see u up there soon!

How is calling your significant other “babe” not cool REGARDLESS of gender?!  Like wasn’t that always cool? --Oh wait is it because they’re not together or... but... guh, I don’t know.

Anyway, see y’all after the holidays at least.

[jynxes]

Leather n’ Red - Reggie Peters

Summary: Much like the deceased boys of Sunset Curve, Duchess died right before the gig that could’ve been her band’s big break. Thing is, she left the dark room a little earlier than they did, made a couple friends and learned a few tricks. What will happen when she and the boys can be seen when singing with Julie, the only alive person that can see them all? 

Paring: Reggie Peters x Duchess Himura (OC)

Word count: 2.3k

A/N: This is my first JATP fic so I’m sorry if some parts seem ooc. Also this book can be found on Wattpad if you prefer to read it there.

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Prologue // The Ballerina Necklace

June 25, 2005, The Orpheum

"Come on! One, two, three!" Marisa yells, hitting her drumsticks together before we begin the soundcheck.

Danielle begins strumming her guitar and we start singing.

"Can't count the years on one hand that we've been together I need the other one to hold you Make you feel, make you feel better It's not a walk in the park to love each other But when our fingers interlock, can't deny, can't deny, you're the worth it

Some things just, some things just make sense And one of those is you and I Some things just, some things just make sense And even after all this time

I'm into you Baby not a day goes by that I'm not into you

I should be over all the butterflies but I'm into you, I'm into you And even baby our worst nights I'm into you, I'm into you Let 'em wonder how we got this far, 'Cause I don't really need to wonder at all Yeah after all this time I'm still into you I'm still into you I'm still into you."

We finish and Danielle runs over to my mic, "We're Moonrise Edge!"

"Tell your friends!" I chime in with a smile and pick up my keytar from the song before Still Into You. We're all smiling and can't wait for tonight, tonight we're the opening act in the Orpheum, I KNOW, how amazing is that?!

"We KILLED that sound check! It was amazing!" Marisa says after giving me a quick kiss.

"Yeah, too bad it was only a soundcheck. Tonight is gonna be amazing though, it's gonna be PACKED with people and we're definitely gonna get signed by a label if we perform like that," Dani brags.

"For sure! Then we're gonna sell a bunch of albums and get a tour!" I begin adding onto the fantasy we're gonna live after we perform tonight.

"Wow, you guys were great," a voice says, and we turn, who is it but rock god TREVOR WILSON.

While I'm too busy freaking out internally Marisa is completely calm, "Thanks dude, we can't wait to open for you tonight."

"It is gonna be awesome," Dani grins.

"Oh! We didn't introduce ourselves, I'm Marisa, this is Danielle, or Dani," she says pointing to the dark-skinned girl, "And finally this is Duchess or Doll," the Hispanic girl points to me.

"Well I think you're definitely gonna go far," Trevor compliments, "What got you guys into music?"

"Thanks," I finally find my voice, "We were always kinda into music but then we heard of this old band that was kinda big like, I don't know, ten years ago? It was called Sunset Curve, some of them died from like food poisoning or something. Anyway, we heard their demo and loved it so much that we wanted to become a band."

"Yeah, that's why we chose the name 'Moonrise Edge' because of 'Sunset Curve' it was supposed to be a bit like a joke but then we started getting gig so it kinda stuck," Marisa adds on.

"Oh, okay, well I gotta go do my soundcheck," Trevor says hurriedly, seeming to get really nervous.

"Okay, see you later," Dani yells after him.

"That was weird," Marisa says.

"Yeah, it was. I wonder what it was all about," I say before putting my hand in the pocket of my leather jacket, feeling around.

"He's famous, famous people are always weird and doing weird stuff," Dani rationalizes, when I feel nothing in my pockets, I begin patting down my red flannel skirt.

"Whatever, let's just get back to our dressing room," Marisa suggests, then she turns to me, "What is with you? What are you looking for?"

"I can't find my necklace," I say, fumbling in my bag, "Where is it?"

"Why do you even need your necklace?" Dani says, "I know it's your lucky charm, but we just played that soundcheck and crushed it, meaning you don't need it to play well."

"I know, I know, it's just that I've had the necklace for each of our gigs and we always crushed it. Soundchecks don't matter, the gigs do, so it's the same with the necklace," I explain, I've had the necklace with me for each milestone of the band. When we heard Sunset Curve's demo, when we formed Moonrise Edge, when we got our first gig and finally when we were asked to play the Orpheum.

"Look, it might be in the dressing room, let's check, yeah?" Marisa says helpfully.

"Okay, yeah, let's check," I say, and we enter the dressing room. We search and we search, and we search, and the necklace is nowhere to be found.

"Wait, I think I remember where it is!" Dani yells suddenly.

"Where? Where?" I ask worriedly.

"Do you remember when we were at Mari's and we were getting changed?"

"Yeah," I say, "Get to the point!"

"It fell off in Mari's room. I told you when we were leaving, and I thought you got it because you were the last to leave. You mustn't have heard me," Dani sighs.

"Oh damn!" I facepalm, "What time is it?"

"Right now it is 6:17pm," Marisa looks at the clock.

"Okay, it's a ten-minute drive each way, just drive to mine and you'll be back with plenty of time to perform," Marisa says calmly, trying to soothe my nerves.

"Okay, okay, I'll go get it, Dani do you mind if I take your car?" I ask, while grabbing my bag.

"Sure, think fast," she says, throwing me her keys.

I catch them and begin running out the door, "I'll be right back!"

"See you, I love you, Doll," Marisa shouts.

"I love you too Mari!"

I get into Dani's car and turn the key, I reverse out of the parking spot and get out onto the road. I take the right turn and stop at the red light. I go ahead when the light turns green but suddenly, I'm going sideways, I feel a pain in my side then all I can see is black.

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July 15, 2020

I've been in this dark room for like forty-five minutes now. It's pretty boring. Basically what happened was that when I began driving again after the light turned green some asshole decided not to stop for HIS red light and he hit into me. The car turned sideways and smashed into a building, I was dead before the car stopped moving. Then I floated out of the car, I knew I was dead, and I was transported to this weird dark room. And here I am.

I start to hear music, then I realize it's Still Into You from the Moonrise Edge demo, then the music is distorted, and the ground of the dark room seems to dissolve.

I scream a little as I fall on my back. I then stand up and look around, I'm in someone's room. Then I hear the voice of a little boy.

"Who are you?" I turn around and see a Latino boy about ten or eleven with his jaw dropped.

"I- uh, I'm Duchess, who are you?" I stutter out.

"I'm Carlos, what are you doing in my room?"

"I actually have no idea," I tell him, "Last thing I remember is dying and then being in this dark room with nothing in it."

"You're dead?!" he exclaims.

"Yeah, wait, you're not? Where even am I?" I'm getting really confused now.

"You're in my room," he repeats from before, "In Los Feliz. How did you die?"

"I- Los Feliz? Wait, that where Mari lives," I realize, trying to figure out what the hell is going on.

"Who's Mari?" Carlos asks.

"Mari's my girlfriend, the drummer in my band," I overexplain to him for some reason.

"You're in a band? Cool! What's it called?"

"Moonrise Edge, we were supposed to play the Orpheum last night," I say, running my hand through my dark hair, "Wait, I wonder what they did, since I died and everything. Do you know what they did?"

"No, but I can look it up if you want," he says.

"Sure," I say.

"I'll be right back," he says before leaving the room. I walk around the room, looking at a baseball bat in the corner and a jersey lying on the bed with the number 7 on it.

Then Carlos comes rushing back into the room with some kind of device in his hand, "Okay, I've got my iPad, now what was the band called again?"

"Uh, Moonrise Edge," I say, suspicious of this 'iPad' device.

"Wow, you were in a band, and you did die, but not last night," he says, after typing on the device.

"What do you mean not last night?" I say, super confused at this point.

"You died in 2005, right?"

"Yes..."

"Well it's not 2005 anymore," he says carefully.

"What do you mean it's not 2005 anymore? I was only in that dark room for like forty-five minutes!"

"It's now 2020, you died fifteen years ago," he explains.

"WHAT!? IT'S BEEN FIFTEEN YEARS! I SPENT FIFTEEN YEARS IN SOLITUDE!?" I exclaim.

"Okay, uh, calm down, it's okay. It's okay, look, you're not alone anymore, you've got me. I'll help you with anything you need," Carlos tries to comfort me.

"But-but it wasn't that long, how has it been fifteen years?" I question.

"That, I don't know. All I know is that I'm here to keep you company, if you want. I can help you find out what happened to your bandmates, you parents or whatever and I'll get you up to speed on what you missed."

"You'd do that for me? Why?"

"Because, ghosts are pretty cool," he says simply.

"Okay aha, can we start with what happened to my bandmates?" I ask him.

"Yeah sure," he sits on his bed and ushers me to sit next to him.

"This," he points to the device in his hand, "is an iPad, it's like a computer but it's just the screen and it has a touchscreen, you use it like this," he explains, swiping his finger along the surface.

He then explains to me how to search things on it and looks up what happened to Dani and Marisa. Apparently, they went on and played the Orpheum gig without me, which I'm not mad about I mean they worked as hard as I did to get there, they deserved to play the gig. After playing they split up the band after that, believed to have done it out of respect for me, and became solo acts. Mari got signed to a label and was asked to join a band named 4 Orchids they've done a few tours and now she's living somewhere in New York. Dani went on to become a solo act and was also signed onto a label, she's done tours and collaborations and now she's living in San Francisco.

Carlos told me that if I wanted to stay in the garage behind his house. He told me that it was his mom's studio but ever since she sadly passed away last year no one's went into it. I thanked him and told him I was gonna stick around.

Then I decided to go and explore the streets of Los Angeles, see how things have changed since I died. I got to meet some cool celebrities that are dead, but I didn't make any friends today. I got to see Marilyn Monroe, gotta say, she's as hot in person as she was on film.

Before I go back to Carlos's house, I go to the house that Mari used to live in, which turns out to be next door to Carlos's. She doesn't live there anymore, but her parents do.

I walk in the hall and see the photos of Mari growing up, a couple pictures of her now and a picture of Mari, Dani and I before our first gig when we were 15. Then when I go into the living room where I see Mari's parents, Lydia and Victor, are watching something on TV. I see more picture of Mari with her parents, some with Mari and me, one of our unofficial pictures from prom, some with Mari and Dani and some with Mari and her cousins.

I go up the stairs and see Mari's bed is more or less the same as it was when I was still alive. When I go to her desk, I see my necklace lying there with a sticky note, 'Doll's necklace' is what's written. I lift my necklace and inspect the charm, the ballerina dangling from the chain. I take it and clasp it around my neck before leaving to go to Carlos's garage.

I explore Carlos's mom's studio and it's kinda cool. Up in the loft there are drums and a couple guitars, and also a bag of clothes, I don't know who owns the clothes so I'm not gonna take them. I check out the couch and it seems pretty comfortable, I lay down on it and try to go to sleep. After a few hours I realize that I don't actually need sleep, but it's an easy way to pass time.

♪°•°∞°•°♪°•°∞°•°♪°•°∞°•°♪°•°∞°•°♪

[mimirue]

2020 Blog Recap

I saw @desira-sims make a post recapping the events on their blog for 2020 and I thought I’d steal the idea

Everyone knows 2020 has been a crazy year and for me it was no exception. I started working from home in March and I’m still working from home now. I got shingles and that was a painful process of recovery lol. And then after many things pushing it back I started streaming on twitch and hit affiliate which has been such a great experience and feels like such a fit.

Posting in tumblr has been a definite constant throughout 2020. It’s been mostly Markus’ BC and gens 5 and 6 of my not so berry but I’ve loved every second of it.

Be sure to let me know if I included any of your favorite moments or even if i\I missed yours!

January

A Muse for Markus: I started out Markus’ search for love with the thing he’s loved most in the world. It was finally time for him to find the person he loved just as much as music. Markus’ BC has by far been my favorite thing I’ve ever done in the sims and I definitely look forward to doing another BC in the future.

February

Solo dates: We started out the competition with solo dates and there were three girls who had quick leads for Markus’ and my own hearts. They all made it to the final half of the competition so obviously the initial connection meant something. From a storytelling perspective it was challenging to try to think up 12 unique dates for the girls and I learned quickly that this struggle wasn’t going to go away any time soon.

March

The first rose ceremony: *sigh* ...I took a 2 week break before actually writing this scene. I didn’t think it would actually be so hard to let someone go home but hell it really was. I don't think this was made any easier by the fact that the first girl to go home was that of one of my best friends or that it kinda came as a surprise to me literally at the end of the pre-ceremony party when I totaled up their relationship scores. I would soon learn that each elimination really does get easier.

April

The first kiss: I have so many feelings about the Angie X Markus pairing lol. I love Angie so much but I hated how her in game actions made me have to write her (I actually wrote her so much nicer than she was in game lol). Markus was OBSESSED with her for the first half of the competition and I almost felt bad for the other ladies. He viewed her through rose-tinted glasses and she could do no wrong...until she could. For some reason living an entire season (on the longest setting) together was not enough for Angie to stop feeling tense around the other girls and eventually she started taking that out on Markus. All of that being said I put so much love and care into the first of many kisses for these two and also of the competition.

May

Nadia Nadia Nadia: The early favorite to win, the first tears, and the only one to let it be known that she was upset at Markus at the end. I thought she wouldn’t actually fall in love with Markus when this thing started but by the time it was time for her to go you could just tell from in-game actions that she was way more in love with him than he was with her and that was a bit heartbreaking. This screenshot might still be my favorite screenshot ever taken. And I love that Nadia left the show just how she entered it, a fucking queen.

June

The Finale:

(Don’t tell me you expect me to pick one photo from this emotional rollercoaster of a post)

Six months is how long it took me to write this sims story and while I still stand by what I said at the start that I’m not a good writer by any means I learned a lot about writing over those six months. I learned that I CAN write if I want to, I learned that it’s okay if it takes a while to get to the end, I learned that the journey is just as important for you as it is for your readers. And most importantly to me I learned that I want to be that person who writes those cliché stories with the plots you’ve seen a million times because that’s exactly what I like to read and it’s so important that you look back and love what you put so much of yourself into creating. 

Now to these two hotties: Simnosa is no stranger to the fact that I didn’t feel much of a connection to Lorena at first (I tease her about it endlessly). It seems appropriate that Markus was the same as it allowed me to fall in love with them at the same pace that they fell in love with each other. At the very last minute I decided to make the winner a mystery till the second to last post and to have Markus get Lorena back for all the teasing and pranks she had thrown his way. I knew if I made it look like there was no winner I would never be able to pull that off again so it was quite literally now or never and I quite liked the result even if not every reader was the biggest fan of it haha. I love these two and I promise I have more planned for them once ya girl gets the time.

July

Nsb Plum: By the time I was done with the BC I was missing the Berry family something fierce so it was so refreshing to get back to something a little less story focused. 

For some reason I didn’t realize that gen 5 of the Not so Berry challenge would end up so story heavy. I never really wanted to write fighting scenes before but I also wanted to showcase that their divorce was technically neither of their faults individually. Indi was a work-a-holic because he somehow felt he had to be this super successful person in an “important” career just like his family before him and he felt that Clem didn’t understand that. While Clem left without telling him that she was pregnant and then only telling him about his daughter after he had shown signs of growing up (here’s a secret: she needed to do some growing up as well). It was like watching my children grow into adults even if they weren’t necessarily the more fair of parents.

August

Aspirations: I wrote and started posting my first sims challenge. It seems quite fitting that my sim for this challenge was Emilee as she was the reason I first started posting anything on tumblr and she and Sutter were also the only reason I ended up writing my first sims story. It was time I wrapped up their story so we can move on to that of others ~in her family~. It was so nice for me to tell a story that spanned a few years of their lives with no dialogue. I really liked this style and I’ll most definitely adopt it again in the future.

September

Nsb Orange: Back when Ginger wasn’t 90% chaos and she was at least 40% naïve. I’m always excited to move on to the next heir but Ginger had me more excited than normal.

October

October Photo Challenge:  This was a fun one, it was a nice way to give some love to the characters that I’m playing next as a bit of a preview. I also think the photos turned out pretty snazzy. 

November

Next gen: The twins are so freaking cute as both toddlers and children. What I never expected (and kinda planned against) was for them to get along or for Ginger to be such a good parent. I wanted Ian to be a bit of a loner but the two best ladies in his life love to shower him with too much love and care for him to have too much time alone.

December

End of Orange gen: I had so much fun with her story. Ginger might not be my only polyamorous sim but she’s the first one really showcased on my tumblr. I covered a lot of borderline controversial topics and it seemed like you all enjoyed it, for which I’m grateful. Gen 6 is the first generation where there are no rules on your spouse so I knew I didn’t want her to get married. But that didn’t mean I wanted her to be single. 

--------------------------

Thank you all to all of you who followed and read my dumb little blog during 2020. 

And a huge thank you to all the people who made sims for me! My blog and stories would not be the same without your creative geniuses being added to the mix as well!

[deltastorm101]

So, I tried to calculate Control...

... and its Epic Games deal, with the help of my certified smooth brain™ and probably incorrect sources. I started this last night hella tired and with a headache, I have finished it up today hella tired and with a headache, and this is what I produced: bullshit! :D But hey, at least double checked bullshit that’s open for discussion and contribution and expansion. Also, I probably won’t list the sources because a) I’m lazy and b) I didn’t have to dig thaaat deep down to find all this so if you really wanna know you could probably hit google with it as well. Anyhow here we go lol So, the initial thought which got all of this rolling was the 2020-wrap-up-post Remedy linked on their twitter, and Epic’s linked publishing announcement in it: studios Remedy, Playdead and GenDesign will release their next next-gen games with Epic. Now, we all know Remedy are working on some sort of Alan Wake-ish thing as we speak (right? right?? god I hope so), which meanssss our boy will most likely be an Epic exclusive. Which makes me kinda sad because, well. I’m deep in Steam’s ass. Hell, I waited for Control for a full year before I played it because they can pry the Steam version from my cold dead hands. So I asked myself... was it worth it for them? How much money did they throw at Remedy (and 505 Games) to have them play along? Would they have reached more people from the get-go if they had released it on Steam right away? Did the individual programmer, designer, writer, artist, person behind it profit from this at all? (Also, like, about the rights and copyright thing,,,,, you’d think they could have learned from Alan Wake and its IP belonging to Microsoft and so not really being able to do anything more with it because they don’t ‘own’ it and shit) buuut anyway that’s not the point of this post, now it’s time to do some MATH BABEY

Ok, let’s start with some things we know. Facts. Figures. Data. Turns out my initial question, how much money was involved, could be answered by doing one (1) google search: according to Wikipedia, Epic gave Remedy and 505 Games €9.49mio. The total budget for the game was €26.9mio over the course of 3 years of development. We know that as of December 2020, over 2mio copies of the game were sold, with November 2020 being the best-selling month ever since its initial release in August 2019. This is where question 1) comes into play: how many of those 2 million copies were sold in 2019 and how many in 2020? Stay tuned, I think I found out.

We know that Remedy gets to keep 45% of the revenue, which, I assumed, means that 505 keeps the remaining 55% (probably a lot more going on there but shhh). We know that Control’s sales cooked up €17.84mio in 2019 (so months September – December), €17.7mio of those in the first month alone (O.O). Side note: because it came out at the very end of August, I’ll ignore that month and declare September the first sales month.

We know that 60% of sales in 2019 were digital ones (aka Epic Store, mostly), 40% physical ones (consoles PS4 and XB1), while in 2020, only 10% of sales were physical and a whopping 90% digital; which is people on Epic who wanted to get their hands on the first DLC and – you guessed it – the Steam release of the Ultimate Edition in August 2020.

Which begs question 2): what’s bigger, 60% of 2019 sales because ‘ooh shiny new game’, or 90% of 2020 sales because ‘yay steam release’? The answer may look obvious, but you have to take into account the dropping price, which I also researched for your pleasure and enjoyment.

For this I used a German website called idealo.de, which focuses on looking for the best deals for basically anything you can buy on the internet, and it also gives you diagrams that describe at which point in time the product was at which exact price. This is what it gave me: - release price: €60 - December 2019: €41 (PS4)/€44 (XB1) - mid-2020: €30 - Ultimate Edition release: €30 - December 2020: €14 (PS4)/€18 (XB1)/€30 (Ultimate Editions) At this point I was like “lol hold on i need chocolate for this cuz i’ll be here for some time *sweating*”

To continue this mess™, I see more questions: 3) How many employees does Remedy have, which positions do they work in and what are their salaries? 4) How many employees does 505 have, which positions and salaries do they have? 5) What’s the total revenue that Control has generated so far?

And also some more stuff like, are my numbers accurate, am I even grasping these concepts correctly, are there even more people involved or am I just trying to explain complete crap (yes) but let’s just ignore all of that shall we. At that point I went “oh shit what have i gotten myself into, this screen does not get my point across, i need pen and paper” and you know shit is gonna go DOWN when I do math on paper.

My paper math birthed the following calculation:

Following this up, we can calculate the end-of-2019 sales, if we set the price for September and October to €60, for November and December to approx. €45:

Now, you might notice that one of those numbers is big and the other is HUGE. Why might that be? Well...

- Covid19: everyone stayed at home and needed video games to play - More sale months of the year, naturally - dropping price: why get it for €60 when you can get it for 20 - Ultimate Edition: why buy it in June when you get more content in August aaaand... - it comes out on Steam.

With this in mind, let’s see what questions we can answer: 1) 661,110 copies in 2019; 1,338,889 copies in 2020 2) 60% digital sales in 2019 means 396,666 Epic copies; 90% digital sales in 2020 means 1,205,000 copies – most of it from Steam? Some of it? A good chunk? The bigger chunk? There’s no way of really knowing for sure but... you could read this into it. I definitely am. 3) Google told me Remedy had a little over 250 employees at the end of 2019... 4) ... and 505 has less than 100. I found no good sources for this, I think linkedin said 37, someone else said 50. I’ll just use the 50 figure, idk. No idea man. and for 5) I’ll contradict my point that the Steam release is what knocked the sales out of the park and assume that the number of sold copies stayed the same across all 12 months of 2020, which gives us this:

Ok and now we’re getting into the most dangerous of danger zones because I have no idea how companies or capitalism work, so for educated people™, the remaining calculations might read like a toddler wrote them; I apologize profusely and hereby present last night’s brain vomit:

As stated earlier, development took 3 years, but everyone wanted to get paid in 2020 as well so let’s use 4 years to find out the salaries, which is 48 months. Let’s assume the utopian idea that every employee on the line here gets the exact same amount of money (LOL ikr but shhhh, let’s live out our dirtiest equality fantasies for a second ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)). Which would mean...

And now without the Epic Deal™:

Quod erat demonstrandum. Remedy has been selling their souls to Epic for €350 a month since 2017. (I don’t mean this as maliciously as I’m making it sound, don’t worry xD)

OKAY SO, O B V I O U S L Y, I have not the slightest idea what on earth I’m talking about so read this like you’d read a good fanfiction. We don’t know the different salaries across the different positions (and genders HAH), we don’t know if other parties were involved, I’ve completely ignored the sum that Epic themselves get, I have ignored taxes, I don’t know if my numbers are accurate (they’re definitely not I mean 505 must have more employees than 50), if I made mistakes (yes), and also somewhere along the way I forgot to use the €26.9mio budget figure because, uuh, I have no idea where to use it, what it means, where did it come from, where did it go, cotton eye joe - but oh well, I’m not starting over, take it or leave it.

So... I can now officially say I have written hot steamy economics fic xD Man I put waaay too much time into this but damn was it fun. Good three-hour-deep-dive (two of them spent munching on chocolate half-asleep listening to psytrance to keep my brain twitchy). Real-life-theorizing. Fuck capitalism. Don’t do drugs. Pet a cat. Wear your mask. Call your grandparents.

If there’s typos in this I’m sorry but also I’m not, I can’t be bothered to proofread again lol. Goodnight imma catch up on the sleep I lost. Gotta love full moons

[marikaaajoy]

my relationship with digital art and how BNHA salvaged it

I just wanted to let out my thoughts but I can only do it here :>

This might be a downer for some people but I’d like to share it with people here. BNHA means the world to me and this is why.

I first started drawing when I was 7 years old in 2006

I think it’s ugly now, but 7 year old me remembered being so proud of this because this is a drawing of my stepfather. This is the only drawing I have that was from my childhood. I think the aim here is to draw in anime style BUT I didn’t even watch anime back then. I had a classmate who loves anime and she taught me to draw in school. Drawing became a favorite hobby immediately after that.

Then it was 2013 and I was 14 years old. Drawing is still my favorite thing to do besides being on the computer. I love anime at this point too. My parents bought an iPad for the whole family, but I was almost always the one using it. I discovered an app called ArtStudio and thought “Wow, I can draw without making a mess and with only my fingers” because I was always too lazy to take out my drawing materials and clean up afterwards.

These were my first digital drawings. The pirate one was the very first. I got obsessed real fast. I can color so easily, undo any mistake, layers are a blessing too. There was just so much more freedom. I always sucked at coloring in traditional art and I didn’t like the mess (idk my hands get so messy traditionally)

The next year, it was 2014, I was 15. My birthday is in a couple of months and I knew my parents were planning to buy me something pricey (I think it was a laptop) so I approached them and asked if they could just buy the Wacom Bamboo as a present which was cheaper anyway and I even explained how it works to them and how it would allow me to draw on the computer instead of the iPad. I tried really hard to be convincing. I would have prepared a powerpoint presentation if I had to.

They did give me the wacom as a present. They even gave it to me months before my birthday so I could use it already. I thought I was the luckiest teen in the world with my parents.

These are a collection of my favorite works from 2014 to 2016. The middle one was my second drawing using wacom and Paint Tool SAI. I was a part of a lot of fandoms in those years lol

It gets downhill from there :/

April 2016, my mom and I moved to Japan, while my stepfather and siblings stay in my country. It was tough. For someone who is obsessed with anime, you’d think I’d be thrilled to live in Japan.

I was. Though only at the first few months. It’s not the same as it’s portrayed in anime (I should’ve known but I used to be blinded by anime). It was just lonely. The language barrier sucked and then lots of financial and family issues until my parents split. I got my first boyfriend too and I thought I was blessed by the nicest boy, but the relationship became extremely toxic but I didn’t have it in me to walk away.

All the shit that happened affected me mentally and emotionally. My biggest outlet which was digital drawing, was also out of the question because I did not have a computer/laptop when we moved to Japan. We left it in our home for my stepfather and siblings, even the iPad. I have my wacom with me, but no computer/laptop to use it with. I couldn’t draw.

I tried though. I used my phone to draw, but it wasn’t the same. Then the life problems got piled up, things got worse, and I just lost motivation in anything. Literally anything. From 2016 to 2019, I stopped watching anime, I dropped out of all the fandoms I’m in, I stopped watching my favorite TV series or movies, and I stopped drawing. I even got a bit disconnected with my friends who lived in my country (we talk regularly online). My family was broken so I gave all my attention to my toxic relationship as well which made everything worse too lol

I didn’t draw besides from a few scribbles and the drawings above. I did try digital art on my phone a couple of times again and even posted them on my IG, but they weren’t any good. Eventually, I got mentally and emotionally drained and dropped out of senior high school. I just stayed home for almost a year, leeching off of my mom. I felt even more worthless and my life had no direction at this point. Nothing mattered anymore.

April 2019 or so I think, my (ex)bf bought me a laptop. He says it’s a gift, but I think the real reason was to make up for something horrible that he did (which is stupid because money /gifts won’t resolve anything). I have a laptop. I can draw again, but I didn’t. I didn’t care, I wasn’t interested in drawing anymore anyway.

Welp. June 2019, I went back to my country. My (ex) bf stayed in Japan. The distance helped me end the relationship and my friends were there (they always were) to help put me back together along with two trips to therapy. I went back to finish my senior high school in my own country this time. That said, I have to stay in my country for school (but I was happy because I didn’t wanna go back to Japan yet when the breakup was still fresh and with going back to school, my life has a direction again.)

It was weird. I remember just being sorta lost and confused because I used to put my time, effort and everything into my previous toxic relationship, which was now gone. I was free and I had so much free time that I didn’t know what to do with it. I got so used to doing nothing and being nothing.

This is where BNHA enters.

Dunno when it started, but I started seeing Bakugou frequently online. It’s usually just Bakugou. I knew who he was because my friend suggested BNHA to me back in late 2018 I think but I didn’t watch it since I’ve lost interest in everything at that point in my life.

But ye I thought he hot af but I still didn’t watch BNHA.

But then for some reason he REALLY kept appearing in my social medias and it was really frequent. The last straw was when I saw a pic of him in UA’s gym uniform and thought “damn boi aight imma watch bnha for u” (y’all gotta admit he looks good in those colors with his combat boots XD )

I watched BNHA. Fell in love with Iida along the way. Then I switched to Tokoyami (but Shoji was hot too so aaaaa), but then angry emotionally-constipated sea urchin head caught my heart again. But oof. BakuDeku moments really made me feel some type of way I haven’t felt since I moved to Japan. It felt new but nostalgic. I fell hard in that ship.

I started obsessing. From memes to posts to fanfictions to buying merch to filling my room with BNHA posters. I realized I was reverting to my old self from the time I was still happy and it was thanks to BNHA (and the good people who helped me through the worst too)

Shit I wanted to draw BNHA, I thought.

I mean, I have a laptop, I still have my wacom and drawing softwares. I could totally draw digitally again if I wanted to.

But guess what

I can’t :c

My hand physically cannot draw. My drawings don’t look the way I want them too. 3 years of not drawing really destroyed any skill I had. I was back to square one.

September (yeah they’re ugly, I laughed at it). If you’re wondering why I drew on paper, it’s because, for some reason, I really CANNOT draw digitally. I mean it. I can barely sketch digitally at this point. The lines and shapes just doesn’t come to life. They’re just scribbles. But somehow, I can kinda draw on paper with a ballpoint pen. But yeah, that was the best I could do at this point in my life

After that, I still tried to draw, to regain my old art style, but it didn’t happen... It just doesn’t look or feel the same. Drawing used to be fun. But during this phase, it felt like my ugly drawings were just mocking me (probably was just too emo that time lol)

Weirdly, around a week or two I think, after my half-assed attempts at drawing, I managed to draw digitally somehow o.o

I did a Midoriya and Todoroki drawing like this too. It was my first post here on Tumblr I think. The annoying part here is that I cannot draw digitally unless I draw on paper first, take a pic, and then trace the lineart. I couldn’t draw directly on the computer. Granted, drawing on paper and drawing on digital is very different for me in the first place anyway. But it was still a pain. And it still looked like shit. I can only draw stiff poses :/ it seems like my brain decided to delete all data about anatomy and posture and backgrounds. My lineart here is even messy af. It still really not the same as my old style.

By 2020, I think I got my old art style back. On March, I made this. This took me 27 total of hrs to make.

Right now, I think it’s not bad, but back in March, I was disappointed with the result. This is when I finally broke down crying because it didn’t look good enough and I hated that it took me 27 hrs to draw “bullshit.” I was angry at myself for losing interest in drawing for 3 years when I could’ve used that time to improve. I had to start all over again and it still didn’t look good. (Current me thinks that the drawing above is alright. I was just a lot harsher to myself back then. Used to have a lot of issues but I’m doing great now)

I cried myself to sleep that night. Woke up wanting to cry again. I wallowed in sadness for a couple of days. Eventually told my friends what’s up. Got some pep talk. Even talked to my sister (she’s great, she always hypes me up with my stuff and sometimes I think she’s my biggest fan with how she appreciates my drawings and I’m really grateful for that).

My world turned a 180 and I was weirdly positive after all that crying because brain chemicals and shit. I had a revelation. If I hate how my art style looked so much, then I should have been putting effort in changing my art style, not trying to regain my old art style (that I don’t like anymore)

I researched a lot. I analyzed different art styles and anatomy again. I did everything I could think of to find a style that works for me. I might have even neglected school for a bit to focus on digital art lmao

After all that work, I posted a fanart of middle school BakuDeku in their classroom. I love that fanart so much even if I probably have better ones by now because that was the first fanart I made that I felt like I could be proud of and it was the first one I made in my new art style. It was a milestone for me.

March 2020, I moved back to Japan and without the toxic relationship, I’m a lot positive now. Happy. I’m myself again after the previous bad years. I’m still continuously learning though, trying to improve, but at least, now, I found my own art style :) I really suck at interacting with people online, but I’m always grateful for the support everyone has been giving my fanarts. I’m happy when my content makes people happy.

This is why BNHA is important to me. The series is great alone, but it’s not just that to me. BNHA is so much more. It’s what made me find the passion to create again, only this time, it’s focused on drawing (I used to write, but now I just draw, but maybe I’ll write again for BNHA).

My family is supportive with my love for BNHA, but I think they don’t know the deeper reason why I love it. Sure, I was fine living on with nothing much going on in my life. I’ll finish school, get a job, work until I die or something. It was okay. It was the way of life. But BNHA gave my life color again. I wasn’t just blindly going through life anymore. I have something to look forward to everyday now. BNHA even became a bridge to other things. Ever since then, I’m a lot more open to people, to try new things, to explore and not just live through life and waste away. I got better at leaving my comfort zone. I’ve never been happier in my life :D

Thank you for supporting my fanarts. Thank you so much for giving me a chance to express myself through BNHA. I hope to make more content in the future and improve even more :)

[nctinfo]

[TRANS] Jungwoo, Mark & Haechan’s interview with Star1 June 2020 issue!

It's the first time for you three to do a shoot together. It's a different combination. Mark: It's really nice that the warm weather is seen in the pictures and it was fun to shoot with this fresh combination. Jungwoo: I really like it because it seems like the chemistry between us was well shown. Haechan: It's been a very long time since I had a shoot so I was a little nervous but on the other hand, also excited. I think I had a lot of fun because I was together with the hyungs.

You finished all the promotions for the 2nd full album <NCT#127 NeoZone>, how was it? Jungwoo: We were able to show NCT 127's color clearly through the title song 'Kick It'. All the side tracks had a very diverse feel too, and the promotion period was very meaningful because, matching with the 'NCT 127' name, it seemed to represent a new NCT 127 well in the aspects of music, choreography, stage composition, and so on. Mark: It was a comeback after a long time with a full album, so as much as the fans waited for it, we worked hard in the preparations to show many good sides. Of course, it was a shame we couldn't meet the fans on the music shows. Haechan: So, during the repackage promotion period, we will try various ways to communicate with the fans.

You also achieved some great things during these promotions, in particular, ranking no.5 on the Billboard 200 Mark: The last album ranked at no.11, and to see that it gradually improved to rank no.5, I was even more proud and happy. It gave me a great sense of achievement. I was as grateful and as happy as much as it was the result of the feeling loved and receiving attention from around the world.

Soon, you will be making a comeback with the repackage album < NeoZone: The Final Round>, what kind of song is the title song 'Punch'? Haechan: It's a very hip and strong song. Also, it has an ambiance of feeling like a different song due to some elements that are in the middle, so it's a fun song to listen to. Jungwoo: As much as it is a title song, I put my all in it. There were many changes made during the preparations, including the recording process. We worked hard to make it complete. Mark: As much as 'Kick It' was well received by the fans, I think 'Punch' will be as well and will deliver the finishing blow.

In addition to 'Punch', there are also other new side songs, how is it different compared to the 2nd full album [NeoZone]? Haechan: First off,  for the new songs on the repackage album, there is a new charming ballad song 'Make Your Day' and there is a song with a different feeling called 'NonStop'. You will be able to feel the diversity. Mark: That's right. 'Make Your Day' is a song where you will receive healing through the sweet voices of the vocal members. Jungwoo: It's a great song to listen to in the summer.

Then what is the key point of 'Punch'? Haechan: I think the chorus is the most memorable. It's repeated a lot, so I think it's nice when you listen to it excitingly. Jungwoo: I think 'Punch' [is the song with] the most killing parts. There are many parts that stick right to your ears. Please enjoy the killing part. Mark: Your ears might get hurt since it's addicting. haha

Is there something you want to show to the public through this album? Haechan: That I am really grateful for the support we received during 'Kick It' and that I was really happy. During the upcoming promotions too, I want to take that energy and show NCT 127's performance that will K.O. everyone. Of course, there are burdens when you receive great support, but regardless of the results, we are doing the best we can as always, so if you keep supporting us, we will show you our K.O. performance.

Was there ever a life changing "punch", if so when? Mark: As I was preparing for this song, I was reminded of the trainee days a lot. I was a trainee for almost three years, and I'm normally the type of person to beat myself down. I think that's when I threw [myself] the most “punches”. In order not to lose myself in front of the mirror I pushed myself and tried to overcome and grow. So while preparing for this song, I really related to it a lot. Jungwoo: I think it was during my debut for me. I was introduced for the first time during 'Boss'. I wanted to have an impact on many people so I really worked hard. When I think about it now, I didn't have to be so nervous, I was really worried. I am reminded of the time where I wanted to throw an impactful punch as big as I was nervous so I tried to double the effort.

What is a hot topic among NCT 127 lately? Mark: We're almost finished preparing for the repackage album, and all the members are working hard in perfecting the choreography. And we are also preparing for Beyond Live. Other than that, since the members are home a lot, we're getting into cooking more than ever (laughs). These days, Taeil hyung has really fallen for cooking. Once, when I returned home after practice, there was the smell of pasta coming from the dorm and it turns out that Taeil was making pasta by himself. I was even surprised at how delicious it was. haha

The world tour was also completed successfully Mark: It's hard to go overseas these days so I kinda miss it, and I often think about how nice it would be to tour soon again. It was a rare opportunity and a joyful journey. It's not easy to meet fans in person so it was a thing I'm really grateful for. It was also nice to eat a lot of delicious food with the members.

Is there a difference between preparing before the world tour and after? Mark: It's like, you know a lot after you've seen a lot. Aside from the stages, there were many things I felt. While meeting various cultures and people, our own team's unity has improved and our teamwork has gotten better too. There were a lot of physical challenges. Looking back after overcoming those hardships, all of them are beautiful memories. If you ask what's different or what has changed, it's that the teamwork has become better, and I think each member has gradually grown during the tour. Jungwoo: As expected personally, I think I grew a lot myself and it's true that I learned a lot while being on various stages. Instead of performing the same thing on each stage, I tried to change my facial expression and tried to change many things. Although we grew a lot as a team, I gained a lot of self-confidence too. To be honest, I was really nervous before leaving, but as I met a lot of fans from various countries I felt very grateful to be welcomed and supported. Haechan: My mindset has changed. Before I used to do a lot of things for 'the future'. After the world, I tend to focus on 'us'. We are working hard and having fun showing us and our way.  

NCT 127 members are all skilled in various areas. If you could steal a talent from each other, what would it be? Haechan: Jungwoo hyung’s innocence. Haha. When Jungwoo hyung’s ‘Pure Beauty’ shines, that's when I get envious. I think Mark hyung’s biggest asset is consistency. Doing anything consistently is a skill in my opinion, so I’m envious of this side of Mark hyung. Jungwoo: As for me, Mark’s dancing skills or English? Haha. Mark: I already told Jungwoo before, but he has this special aura about him. I’m just very thankful to have him next to me. It’s a precious thing. Haha. Even in a stiff situation he can elevate the mood. It’s not that I want to take it from him, it’s just that I like it when he’s next to me like that.

What are the unexpected sides of the members? Haechan: Mark hyung is consistently good at everything. The only thing he can't do is gaming. He is really bad at gaming. I don't think he has any talent for gaming. Jungwoo: Also, Mark is surprisingly delicate and detailed. There might be some people who already know, but he is more delicate than you can imagine. Haechan: Jungwoo looks innocent and seems quiet, but surprisingly he has many sturdy/bold sides. He is the type of person where those two sides coexist. Although he is still shy in front of the fans, when he feels comfortable, he is more active and energetic. That's his unexpected side.

To me, NCT 127 is? Haechan: It’s the foundation of my growth. When I was with hyungs I could see a lot of aspects where I was lacking, but because hyungs helped me so much I think I was able to grow. Jungwoo: I think we make each other shine. When someone is lacking the others fill in the gaps, when it’s hard we help each other, I think. Mark: I think we became a team that are friends and hyungs for life. I’m very thankful that we became like friends not just in NCT 127, but in everyday life. Jungwoo: Right. Us meeting seems like fate. Mark: We were all born and raised in different places, how else would we meet as a team like this.

As half of 2020 has passed, what are your goals both goals personally and as an artist? Haechan: I want to be busy and work hard in 2020. As an artist I’d like for it to be a year where I improve internally or work on my skills. Jungwoo: As a team I’d like for us to be introduced to more fans and grow a lot through performances. I’m also looking forward to see the results. I also wish this would be the year when I progress and take care of myself a lot. Mark: I want to play music for even more fans and I also want approval. Wherever we go I want to show performances without embarrassment, without seeming lame when I look back later, I always want to work hard. I hope the members become more proud of themselves as they should, and that we promote happily too. 

Translation: Esmee, Alex @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: Star1 Scans — Do not repost or take out without our permission!

[phoenotopia]

2020 May Update

I hope you're all staying safe and healthy during this time of Coronavirus!

We continue towards the finish line, slowly, but surely. Coronavirus did throw a few wrenches in our plans. Our talks with a publisher about a possible sponsored appearance at an upcoming event stalled.

But that was always just a possibility. We have a backup plan. If we didn't win a sponsor, we were just going to pay our own way to a convention. That's what most indies do! Anyway, that's canceled too. It doesn't seem like there'll be any conventions to showcase in the near future...

Nevertheless, we did move forward in other areas. We've got the press materials ready as well as the game's official launch site up. You can view it in its prelaunch state at this link. NOTE, It is in a "prelaunch" state, so some media links are being withheld until reveal time. But there are a bunch of new pictures and artwork you can look at.

You might notice the link reads "phoenotopia.wordpress.com". The plan is to direct "phoenotopia.com" to it in the near future. That means if you wanted to reach this tumblr specifically, you'll have to visit it at its tumblr link, "phoenotopia.tumblr.com" (which, I just noticed doesn't work... huh). Anyway, since this is a dev blog, I'll talk a little bit about the journey of creating the website.

SQUARESPACE vs WIX vs WORDPRESS

I actually tried 3 different services (in the above order), before I settled on wordpress. I did a bunch of researching, and most reviews seemed to point at WIX >= SQUARESPACE >>> WORDPRESS.

I went with Squarespace first, since it was recommended a bunch on some youtube videos I saw (guess marketing works). Even though it didn't win outright in the reviews, my impression of it was "less quantity, but more quality." I tried it and found it serviceable. It was kinda sluggish, with some not so intuitive areas. I had to ask for help a few times for some things that would seem simple ("how do I change the BG and font color and of the music player?", etc).

That was last year, when I *thought* I was near launch and would need a press site soon. One year later (present day), it was time to create a press site again, and since my website with Squarespace expired (I had only signed up for a trial period), it was a good opportunity to try Wix, especially since Pirate had lots of praise for Wix.

My impression of Wix was that it was... too distracting. After I chose a theme, in the editor view I felt bombarded by menus. Everywhere you move the mouse, things kept lighting and popping up. And it was slow. So I guess it was sorta like Squarespace, but maybe even a little worse?

(Easy ways to preview the website from phones and tablets was one of wordpress’s neat features)

What prompted me to try Wordpress was one of their slogans "35% of the web uses WordPress". If it's good enough for 35% of websites, it's good enough for me! I ended up liking it most of all. It's definitely less featured, which suited me, since I'm not trying to create something too fancy either. Unlike the other website builders which emphasize free-form, wordpress was more rigid. I couldn't drag and drop an element just anywhere - I found that comforting in a "I can't screw this up" sorta way. The most important thing was that it was fast. Loading the editor view to Wix took 11 seconds vs 4 seconds with Wordpress. And the speed advantage of wordpress extends across every action. Similarly, when Chrome launched 10+ years ago, it was also less featured vs Firefox, but it became my choice browser. I guess speed is something I value highly.

Anyway, my experience is from a drag/drop perspective with minimal coding. This is also NOT a paid advertisement. However, if wordpress would like to send some money my way, I would not be opposed... (call me!)

Achievements, Bugfixes, and Cleanup

Lots of small tasks and polish was done over the past 2 months. I finally fixed the time tracking bug - important because the Speed Run achievement depended on it. I also finally finished implementing all the technical stuff for the achievements. There was a bug where some enemies would stack up too many light sources, causing them to appear too bright and drain system resources. That's now also fixed. Lots of other small ones that don't bear mentioning.

A neat trivia about the game is that there's a final super hard achievement for those seeking to prove their mastery over the game. The player has to beat the game having never picked up a heart or energy upgrade. When playing under this constraint, some enemies can even kill the player in one hit! In the game's most current iteration, even I failed to achieve it, so I'm definitely going to have to go in and tweak things a little more.

Age Ratings

I went and got the game's age rating. I did a little research on this - it's quite fascinating. ESRB would be the age ratings board for the United States (where I'm based). But if you were in Europe, you'd get a PEGI rating. Then there's ACB for Australia and so forth. So if you wanted to launch a game globally, you'd have to deal with this process over and over, and each country rates things a little differently... that's a lot of work!

Enter IARC (International Age Rating Coalition), which aimed to simplify the process by being the one standard that you apply to, and from which you could then get the equivalent rating for all participating countries. IARC is an entirely automated process - probably necessary due to the boom of digital titles across all platforms, particularly mobile.

IARC is great for me, because they relaxed the standards for getting a rating. From my understanding, the process used to be more difficult. And you'd have to pay ESRB a hefty chunk to get a rating, but with IARC, it's totally free! So long as it's for digital and it's used only on licensed sites and store fronts. If I wanted to launch the game physically, I'd have to deal with ESRB on an individual basis again.

Without further ado, here's Phoenotopia's IARC ratings:

Fascinating... Phoenotopia is rated "Mature" in Australia... but for "Horror". Which seems suspect. The horror elements are rare (remember Dreadlands?). But when I was answering their questionnaire, they provided a video example of what they considered "horror", and it was pretty mild. About as mild as my game, so I checked that box. It is what it is...

We also got a "Teen" rating for ESRB for reasons of Fantasy Violence and "Mild Blood". This one is kinda iffy. In the game, if you hit a giant bug, it spits out a few drops of green blood. Does that really count as blood? Ocarina of time skirted by with an E rating 2 decades ago, and it let a dude spit out green blood. However, since IIARC is an automated process, I didn't see any place to dispute. But also, I wouldn't have disputed it anyway. A "T" rating is cooler than an "E" rating!

I'd like to mention this is not a paid advertisement for IARC. However, if IARC would like to send some money my way, I would not be opposed... (call me!)

Submission

I expect to polish the game for about 2 (maybe 3) more weeks. After which, I'll be submitting the game to the console "authority". From my understanding, I'll then have to wait a month while they "inspect" the title. After which, I'm then cleared to have an official launch date - which I'll probably set to be 1 month after getting approval.

So the plan is to have a very short marketing campaign. The reveal trailer will basically drop 1 month before release. And we're going to sprint to the finish line. Some marketing campaigns are 6 months to a couple years. Ours will be one month... Let's hope it works.

Wrench

That's what the plan looks like right now, but there is a possible upcoming wrench in this whole thing. I recently learned that my version of Unity is too old. Games running on old Unity versions are not automatically accepted - so I'll have to apply for an exemption. If the exemption gets rejected, we can't launch without upgrading, which will require *significant* work...

This came as a surprise to me. When I started dabbling in games development a decade ago, the most common advice I found online was "Make Games, not Game Engines." I interpreted this to mean lock in your technologies. There's always going to be a new and shinier bell or whistle, but if you keep chasing it, you're not going to work on the actual content of the game. That's probably what kept me to releasing the original game on Flash. That was a game I was making as a hobby while working a full-time job. By the time I quit my job to go full-time indie dev, Flash had long been a dead technology. But I remembered "do you want to build game engines or games?" And so I pressed forward.

So that mindset could potentially backfire here. If PC was the lead SKU, we wouldn't have these issues since PC is more relaxed as a platform. Consoles, as I'm now learning, have an ever forward shifting window of technologies. If we get rejected for the exemption, there's a couple ways we can play it. One, we go through the pain of upgrading which will take months... Two, we pivot and make PC the lead SKU again, but have to handle porting that plus its specific features, which will also take months...

So why is updating such a big issue? Unity has changed drastically over the years. When I started, it was a lot less 2D friendly. They didn't have an official 2D tilemap solution, so you had to build your own or buy a 3rd party library from their asset store. I used 2DTK for tilemaps - 2DTK is now entirely deprecated. Similarly, I had to search for and purchase a good asset to display crisp text - since you couldn't even do that in Unity back then (heh). That's the story for a lot of old Unity stuff. Think of it as a first mover's "disadvantage".

Hopefully it won't come to that, since I'm pretty spent as a developer. I've been ready for this to be over, and I know many of you feel the same. Hopefully soon! As usual, I'll update in 2 months at the latest (end of June). An update might come earlier if we have some good news to share sooner. Until then!

Fanart and Cosplay

This first picture comes from roccy_chair and shows Gail basked in light. I like how her pose and equipment together form an "X". That's a neat hidden symmetry. The way she floats also kinda reminds me of Crono's "Shining" spell. Perhaps Gail should have the ability to cast spells? Hmmm...

Cody G returns with a new art depicting the 2 Moonstone enthusiasts. I like Fran's starry-eyed expression here. That's true love on display. I also like how the Moonstones are depicted as flat and coin-shaped. Very unique! Also note Gail makes an appearance in the back :D

Thanks to M1shaaa for this cosplay of Gail! There's a lot to like here! The vibrant pink hair. The costume with 3 stitches across the vest. The pose with slingshot, accurate to Gail's depiction in the box art. Amazingly, this might also be the very *first* cosplay of Gail! Will and Pirate both alerted me about it excitedly since they were pretty stoked. We joked that we crossed the final milestone in terms of fandom.